Are you out purchasing Christmas gifts yet? Well, you should be! The survival of our entire economy and, thus, very society relies on malls having a profitable Christmas season.

And aren’t material goods just the best? You can make a person think that you care for them without showing any true affection to them with material goods. Did we mention our blowout sale on diamonds? Diamonds are always a safe bet, because you don’t have to know anything about a person’s favourite colour or personal style, if you get them a giant diamond. Sparkly sparkly. Expensive expensive.

Tired of your annoying wiener kids? Get them a tablet or a game console, so that they can self-medicate their ADHD with constant stimulation. Later, get them a Fitbit for when they start embarrassing you with their unsightly fat asses from sitting around all day.

And don’t forget to keep stuffing your faces with meat and candy. As long as you’re chewing, you don’t have to talk to your relatives. This helps preventing slip-ups where you tell people what you really think and your great aunt gets all offended and junk and then your mother bitches at you about it for the rest of eternity.

Always stop of at the dollar store for stocking stuffer doohickeys. I guarantee you that they won’t end up in the junk drawer by February.

Anyway, buy me a widescreen TV. I, actually, need one. Because I have to watch things for research and stuff. Yeah, that’s it.

Here is a bit of an update to the whole donair egg roll thing.

I went to one of the local restaurants here and got myself a donair platter and it was quite good. It was spicy shaved kebab meat, cheese and tomatoes on a pita, in many ways very similar to a gyro. The big difference is that donair sauce is sweet, whereas tzatziki, which often come with gyros, is tangy. The meat was spicier and less greasy than that in the frozen donair egg rolls, much better.

As a bit of an aside, the first restaurant we went to was actually closed, they haven’t posted their off-season hours online. What kind of restaurant closes at 7PM anyway?

  • I’m Lazy
  • Y’all Ain’t Paying Me Anything
  • They’re Watching Me
  • My Fingers Are Broken
  • I’ve Outsourced My Writing to India
  • Everything that Can be Said has Been Said
  • I Only Know Unspeakable Words
  • Packets Keep Being Lost
  • In Too Busy Saving the world
  • The World is About to End
  • Writing is Dead
  • There are Gremlins in the Machine
  • I Can’t Find a Pen
  • Shia LaBeouf Keeps Plagiarising Me
  • All Week be Destroyed by the Passage of Time
  • Why Write when I Can Dance?
  • I’m Too Busy Eating
  • You Don’t Have to Write a Script Before You Start Shooting the Film Nowadays
  • I’ve Decided to Start Communicating Via Telepathy
  • Only the Squirrels Really Understand Me
  • You can Already Read My Mind
  • My Ghostwriter has been Ressurected
  • Nobody has an Attention Span Anymore

  • Shorty Dewbubble King of the Eastern Field Mice
  • Grathport Shamberdert Champion of the Acorn Knights
  • Ariana Finepebble Princess Elect of the Amphibious Pipsqueaks
  • Nathan of the Fairpetals
  • Chodesworth Cobblespurt the Butt-Gnome
  • Ivy Wallcrawler the Wall-Gnome
  • Seline the Crawlspace Dweller
  • Peter Dinklage
  • Thumbhigh Johnson
  • George the Pea
  • Lily the Orifice Spelunker
  • Teeny Tina
  • Jane Caterpillar Rider
  • Beans McMinuscule
  • Mighty Mite
  • Pinky Who Lives in My Teapot
  • Jenny the Slight
  • Pocket Weasel
  • Smallie Bigs

  • Brian Pepper’s Life Story
  • The Jos. Louis Story
  • Journey to the Centre of the Tootsie Roll Pop
  • Macho Man Randy Savage Saves Guy Fawkes Day
  • A Movie About the Ferengi from Star Trek
  • A Movie About Barclay from Star Trek
  • A Movie About Barkley from Sesame Street
  • Sam Rockwell and Dax Shepard Team Up to Confuse Me
  • That Damn Sequel to The Dark Crystal
  • A Musical About Squirrel Girl
  • Jeff Goldblum and Christopher Walken Drop Acid
  • MC Hammer VS Army of Darkness
  • Kittens that are Murderers
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