The past has returned. The past of twitter.

I would eat a sandwich for every meal, if I could.

And, yet, I don’t feel like I’ve missed much.

I actually think that Ethan Phillips is a really good actor.

Robocop 2 where every character is played by a fluffy kitten!

Actually, I think that this is an event that happened in real life.

And we used to watch R-rated movies all the time, because I have an older brother and sister, too. But those damn wheeler bastards…

One day I’m going to go on a rant about how I think that action stars have gotten way too bulky.

Remember when the wrestling clown would fight the voodoo priest? The 90s were stupid.

What’s the polar opposite of quirky?

I need me one of those cake pop makers.


Well, that’s all for now. GOODBYE!


Making my website load that itty-bitty fraction of a second faster was well worth the trouble.

Or sometimes you’re a fairy, I guess.

New Text Document has about a thousand identical twin brothers.

The Devil runs a pawnshop.

I don’t have an unhealthy obsession with Jeff Goldblum. Obsessing over Jeff Goldblum is the healthiest thing that a human can do.

The Darkest Timeline has no sandwiches.

Seriously, it’s stuck in my head at this very moment.

Wow. It’s like a visual pun or something.

Window wells: because you like to watch as your basement gets flooded.

The answer is: eggs.



Twit to the twat. Tweeter to the twoot.

All I remember about Who’s the Boss is that it is a thing that existed.

And the rich kids are always trying to ruin our fun.

Is this funny? I don’t understand religion.

I’m always full of cold cuts, in any case.

The only instrument that I know how to play is the clarinet… badly.


Next, I’m going to learn the mouth trumpet.

I need a bacon infusion.

Well. You do.

Do they have pancakes in space?


I don’t really know why I feel the need to back my tweets up here. Would Twitter ever just eat all my tweets one day? It’s probably more likely that my website would die.

And I never have anything important to say there, anyway.

I’m awful serious about the sammiches.

Carmen Miranda-ing would be way more fun to do to your enemies than glitter bombing.

It should really only be used on the armpits of teenage boys.

The Net has it forever and ever and ever.

This is one of the reasons that I don’t wear socks, unless it’s really, really cold.

We need to break the cycle and achieve cinematic nirvana!

Really. Think about it.

Well, that’s all for today.

Go do something useful.

Yay! Stupid Twitter now doesn’t show all tweets when you d an advance search. Gee, I really love it when algorithms decide what I want to see for me.

Bleh. Back to the “scroll down for forever” method of finding old tweets, then.

See, this joke works on two levels: mana is your magical energy in a video game and it’s also the name of the special food that God gave the Israelites to sustain them on their journey.

It’s the only place he hasn’t escaped from yet.

Things need to stop invading my orifices.

Remember when twerking was a thing?

Nautical jokes. You inlanders just wouldn’t understand…

Ha! Take that, you stupid jocks!

The Devil worships me.

Mark Twain is now rolling in his grave.

I’m always trying to collapse the universe.

In care you youngins don’t know, this is referring to The Three Stooges.

Well, that’s does it for today. Follow my Twitter, or don’t. Whatever.

It’s some old tweets with a new attitude.

Actually, maybe don’t wear numbers on your face at all, jackass.

They should also comb their hair and stop sitting forlornly on the stairs with their hand on their forehead.

I always told little kids that there were the skeletons of children who got trapped in the ball pit at the bottom of the pit.

Seriously, my dream house is one that I can just take a high-pressure steam cleaner to when I want to clean it.

It would certainly make the House of Commons much more fun to watch.

I shouldn’t try to be philosophical.

It’s The Lord of the Rings joke.

I shouldn’t try to make jokes about The Talking Heads when I’m hungry.

Don’t eat Twizzlers. They’re full of crap.

Well, anybody with a fauxhawk, really. It’s just unprofessional not to shave the sides.

That was fun. I don’t remember writing any of these.

Page 1 of 2112345...1020...Last »