I think that I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

Remember the Hell that was 2015?

…What?

…Who?

Remember that creepy Pregnant Barbie?

Skipper isn’t even a name.

I like my Kens blond and dumb as a post.

It’s “brunet”, but I prefer to say “brunbro”.

My fighting clothes are dangerous eye irritants.

The house that I grew up in didn’t even have a doorbell.

I are good at cooking!

 

Blargh bloog bloop!

Nobody tweets like me. Nobody.

This is the type of thing I think is clever when I have a head cold.

Just when you think that the world has hit peak hipster…

I have fixed-gear rollerblades.

Oh, you don’t like it when people are out late, officer? Well, the dog has to pee when the dog has to pee.

Christmas is even creepier, though. Santa, snowmen and reindeer on a drought-ravaged lawn is just eerie.

You should see my guns.

You know Laurel, when most people go crazy, they do something fun like chew someone’s face off. You just do things like stick a div inside a div inside a div inside a div…

And then they did it again on two other separate occasions. So, basically, someone was puking in front of my house on purpose. I heard them once at about 4AM. I considered calling the police, but they would probably be long gone by the time the police showed up and what would you even charge them with?

And since it was winter, it froze and stayed there for weeks. Judging by how pink it was, this person was eating a lot of shrimp.

This is a story you needed to hear.

German compound words are fun!

I’m a lovely human being.

 

 

And now to return to my lair!

Sure, posting my favourite old tweets is stupid and pointless, but I’m bored, so whatever.

I DON’T KNOW HOW ECONOMICS WORKS!

I just can’t resist weird beverages.

It’s true. When mixed with orange pop, cucumber vodka tastes like a madarin salad.

Did you know that it’s actually impossible to create a Tumblr theme that’s 100% valid html? Seriously, just the Like button itself is full of errors.

…what?

It’s the world’s most important subject.

My ancestors belonged to a proud warrior race.

And I’m not just saying that because I can’t whistle properly.

I’m a regular ole mixologist and junk.

Jugs take up so much room in the garbage. I hate them so much.

 

 

I may see you again. I may not. Who knows in these dark days?

My tweets are inane? Your butt is inane.

Maybe it belongs to the tree. It’s the tree’s house. The tree has to invite the vampire in.

A-BOAT

Preferably teenagers 16 or over, so I don’t get in trouble.

The dog is into hair metal.

Digital cameras are racist against me.

It’s the “Do Your Homework and Stay in School” challenge!

I have no idea what this was about. If you know what this was about, please contact me.

Just drink out of a normal glass. It doesn’t have to be a “space” glass.

I am not a morning person.

Yep. That’s pretty much what I do all day.

 

 

I must away! So long! Farewell!

This is the form that my boredom takes.

It’s revenge for having The Girl from Ipanema stuck in my head for 10 years.

Nothing is improved through the addition of goo.

This “scary logos” thing can’t possibly be real, can it? It just seems so stupid.

Icky, giant guinea pigs.

Beer has very important nutrients in it.

This probably isn’t true, but I’m not looking up all the names of all the different storms.

I almost died.

I live like a frat boy.

Tourists are the worst.

 

 

I go do other things now.

MOAR TWEETS

Yeah, Science, get on it already.

Now, he’s my least favourite sun god.

Truly, it was the holiest of days.

I don’t mess with anything that can pounce on me from above.

Urgh. I was just imagining what that would smell like.

Where am I supposed to put my crayon drawings?

I have such nostalgia for commercial breaks.

I want to go back in time and be the guy who leaves caches of enchanted weapons in random places.

You should see how much my face swells up when I mow the lawn.

I will sit there with my indecisiveness until the time reads “999”.

 

BYE!

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