My tweets are inane? Your butt is inane.

Maybe it belongs to the tree. It’s the tree’s house. The tree has to invite the vampire in.

A-BOAT

Preferably teenagers 16 or over, so I don’t get in trouble.

The dog is into hair metal.

Digital cameras are racist against me.

It’s the “Do Your Homework and Stay in School” challenge!

I have no idea what this was about. If you know what this was about, please contact me.

Just drink out of a normal glass. It doesn’t have to be a “space” glass.

I am not a morning person.

Yep. That’s pretty much what I do all day.

 

 

I must away! So long! Farewell!

This is the form that my boredom takes.

It’s revenge for having The Girl from Ipanema stuck in my head for 10 years.

Nothing is improved through the addition of goo.

This “scary logos” thing can’t possibly be real, can it? It just seems so stupid.

Icky, giant guinea pigs.

Beer has very important nutrients in it.

This probably isn’t true, but I’m not looking up all the names of all the different storms.

I almost died.

I live like a frat boy.

Tourists are the worst.

 

 

I go do other things now.

MOAR TWEETS

Yeah, Science, get on it already.

Now, he’s my least favourite sun god.

Truly, it was the holiest of days.

I don’t mess with anything that can pounce on me from above.

Urgh. I was just imagining what that would smell like.

Where am I supposed to put my crayon drawings?

I have such nostalgia for commercial breaks.

I want to go back in time and be the guy who leaves caches of enchanted weapons in random places.

You should see how much my face swells up when I mow the lawn.

I will sit there with my indecisiveness until the time reads “999”.

 

BYE!

Re-reading my tweets because I can never remember things that I have said before. I am always repeating myself.

So, it’s like Boggle, only different?

Seriously, that’s the grand prize, a stupid teapot.

I really, really hate tessellated website layouts and I talk about it a lot.

Preferably my little brother.

I did it. I ate my knee. I can’t walk now.

I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio would be more like to win a Puppy Academy Award.

This is truly a frightening and unjust universe.

Yes, seriously, people in the US were arrested and went to jail for being accused of satanic worship in the 1980s. Most of the convictions were overturned, but there’s at least one person still in jail, I believe.

I want to dress like an old, lazy mafia guy.

Wow. This is like philosophical, or something.

Postin’ muh twitz hur, because I donnae like Twitter’s infinite scroll.

Really, you can’t leave me alone at all.

I need to get me some vacuum-sealed containers.

This is funnier without context.

And do an percent sign or a dollar sign?

This was a really bizarre event. It was during the Polar Vortex and some little brat shouted something at me, which I didn’t hear because I was bundled-up in 17 layers. The next thing I know, his mom is insanely angry at me because I wouldn’t stop and watch what her little rugrat was doing. And to top it all off, the stupid kid was playing right in the middle of the street. There weren’t any cars because of all the snow, but it was kinda likely that a plow might round the corner and smush the kid.

Everything goes in the washer and dryer. EVERYTHING.

I am not a morning person. Invent for me more lazy morning foods.

FOOTBALL!

I am a giant child.

Remember that time Wiarton Willie died and they replaced him with an imposter. Canadian conspiracies are silly.

 

 

THAZ ALL!

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