Here are some ways I have screwed up food:

  • Added cinnamon instead of chili powder to roasted tomatoes
  • Charred the outside of a hamburger while keeping the inside completely raw (a million times)
  • Had a chicken disintegrate in the slow cooker
  • Always burn things instead of caramelizing them
  • Microwaved bread
  • Burnt rice to the bottom of the pot
  • Added too much garlic to everything
  • Over-stirred various batters
  • Under-stirred various batters
  • Confused baking powder with baking soda
  • A mosquito landed in my drink and I drank it anyway
  • Stuck things to every non-stick surface
  • Set fire to some spiked coffee
  • Put things in the fridge instead of the freezer
  • Burnt my elbow
  • Got various spices in my eyes
  • Ate the cheese paper

  • Notebooks with the Margins Always on the Outside Edge of the Pages
  • A Restaurant the Only Serves Potato Skins
  • Lettuce that Tastes Like Bacon
  • Edible Socks
  • Candy Coffee Mugs
  • Cube Shaped Taco Shells
  • Contact Lenses that Dissolve After 18 Hours in Your Eyes
  • Noise Cancelling Headphones that Only Block out the Noises of People Who You Don’t Like
  • A Glass Chair that’s Also Like a Lava Lamp or Something
  • Wearable Pizza
  • Edible LEDs
  • Hard Light
  • Knuckle Wigs
  • Ebook with Physically Turnable Pages
  • Glasses that Turn Every Image of Donald Trump into One of those Guys from They Live
  • Miniature Cows
  • A Pill that Can Get The Girl from Ipanema out of My Head
  • Gnome-Seeking Missiles
  • Infinite Monkey Simulator
  • Winking Marmosets
  • Licorice Pot Roast
  • Shrieking High Heels

People were all like, “Donair is so good! You’ve got to try the donair”.

So, I get some frozen donair egg rolls from the grocery store, and it’s like bland sliced roast beef with no sauce inside the rolls, very boring. I take it that this isn’t how donair egg rolls are really supposed to be. The egg roll part wasn’t particularly good either. I’m not sure what kind of quality i was expecting from frozen food, but I’m still disappointed.

I think that I’m mostly mad at the egg roll part not being very good. The only Chinese food place in town went out of business and every Chinese food thing that I get from the grocery store is disappointing.

I keep trying to make egg fried rice, but I’m very bad at it. My timing is always off. I can never get it fried just that perfect amount. And restaurants must be adding some special ingredient to the eggs, because mine never taste like theirs. I’ve bought some MSG in an attempt to try and make my Chinese cookery more authentic, but I have no idea how to use MSG, so that may not have been the best idea. I should probably try to find some sesame oil as well, but I don’t think that they sell any around here. I could order some online, but it’s always a crapshoot with liquids whether they arrive broken and leaking everywhere.

Maybe I could get my food helicoptered in. Is there a billionaire out there who would like to send me meals every day via helicopter? That sounds like a fun rich guy thing to do. You should do it.

What? Do they think this is a steampunk convention?

Do they think that I’m a mad scientist building evil robots or something? I’m actually an angry scientist.

Is this a prank by those kids who like the animes?

What good are sprockets without chains? I only have half of the equation here!

They could have at least washed off the grease, before they dropped them on my welcome mat. How am I to clean up this mess?

It’s times like these that I wish that I knew how to ride a bike. Bike need sprockets, right?

Can I use these to repair my RoboCop?

Maybe I’ll build a giant mech, that’ll show those fools.

How much is scrap metal going for these days? I’m asking for a friend of mine.

At least I’ll never go hungry again.

Would you like to touch my monkey?

  • Fruitcake
  • Cranberry Sauce
  • Cider
  • Peppermint Hot Chocolate
  • Cinnamon Added to Random Things
  • Dessert Squares of Indeterminate Origin
  • Gingerbread Houses (Really? I’m supposed to eat something that’s been sitting out and has had little kids poking at it?)
  • Holiday Editions of Snacky Cakes Filled with Red and/or Green Dye
  • Food Shaped Like Angels, Jesuses or Crosses (Stars are acceptable.)
  • Boxes of Chocolate with Cheap Bows Attached That They Charge You Extra For
  • Chinese Food That Doesn’t Come With Fortune Cookies
  • Turnips
  • Gherkins
  • Maraschino Cherries (Especially the green ones.)
  • The General Overuse of Cloves
  • Jell-O Salad with the Incorrect Fruit

We’re doing good.

We’re exercising and getting into shape.

We’re taking time out of our busy day to spend some quality time with you.

We’re learning to cook different foods.

We’re taking up new and interesting hobbies.

We’re reading books and learning a new thing every day.

We’re volunteering in our communities and making the world a better place.

We’re planting trees and improving the environment.

We’re travelling and experiencing different cultures.

We’re adding to our savings accounts and planning for the future.

We’re bettering ourselves.

We’re doing good.

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