Funny

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #32

Author: Laurel Green Date: March 14th, 2017 Time: 10:06 PM Modified: 2017-03-15T06:42:36-04:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Funny, Gross, Jokes, Pets Comments: 1

TWITZ!

Wiggly meteor with a wavy tail? #geminids
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 13, 2015

According to the internet, this may not have been a meteor at all and may have been a flare that someone fired off, which just makes the event all that more bizarre. I guess someone was trying to signal for help and I didn’t come to their aid. :/

I bought 1kg of irregular chocolate cherries. Am… Am I going to die?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 17, 2015

Does it still count as a fruit serving when it’s surrounded by chocolate?

What kind of weird dog begs for peas?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 18, 2015

The snuggle-pooch goes nuts for peas. He sits there and whines at me like he’s starving to death, until I give him my peas.

What kind of weird human eats a bunch of peas for breakfast?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 18, 2015

VEGETABLES ARE GOOD FOR YOU!

My new nationality is Phlegmish.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 19, 2015

The Phlegmish are a very stuck-up and snotty people.

I need to train a monkey to wait for packages for me.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 22, 2015

Hey, people building apartment buildings, include some sort of parcel drop-off box so that your tenants don’t constantly complain about their stupid Amazon crap getting stolen.

Die Hard? Pff. It's not Christmas unless you also watch Die Harder, preferably on TBS. Yippee Ki Yay Mr. Falcon and a Happy New Year!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 23, 2015

Mr. Falcon didn’t fly so good.

A guy came out on his balcony to serenade me with his banjo, which was cute, but I was holding a bag of dog poop, so I ran away.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 26, 2015

Maybe, I should have gone up and talked to him, even though I was carrying a bag of poop? People say that cute little dogs are babe-magnets, but they always fail to factor in all the poop.

Please, please, please let the Canadian dollar rebound before I visit the US. :(
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 31, 2015

Remember parity? Wasn’t that a golden age?

The 2kg lasagna was a poor choice.
I am become Garfield.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 5, 2016

Are people taking bets on the date of my inevitable coronary event, yet?

BLARGH!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #19

Author: Laurel Green Date: January 5th, 2016 Time: 9:51 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Funny, Jokes, Stupid, Twitter Comments: 0

This is the form that my boredom takes.

My superpower is that I can get sea shanties stuck in people's heads. #nonsense
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 1, 2014

It’s revenge for having The Girl from Ipanema stuck in my head for 10 years.

Ugh. Why did I get the Twizzlers with the goo inside? #candy
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 3, 2014

Nothing is improved through the addition of goo.

People are terrified of the production logos at the end of old cartoons? Actual thing or Internet hoax? #phobias
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 6, 2014

This “scary logos” thing can’t possibly be real, can it? It just seems so stupid.

Yeah, Internet, you can try as hard as you want, but you're never going to convince me that capybaras are #cute.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 3, 2014

Icky, giant guinea pigs.

I was supposed to be getting supplies for #HurricaneArthur, but I came back with beer instead.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 4, 2014

Beer has very important nutrients in it.

Why do storms only ever have white people names? #HurricaneArthur
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 4, 2014

This probably isn’t true, but I’m not looking up all the names of all the different storms.

Dammit, the power has been knocked out already? How will my beer stay cold!? #HurricaneArthur
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

I almost died.

Chicken fingers can be breakfast too. #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 9, 2014

I live like a frat boy.

People think that they can eat ice cream and walk at the same time, but they can't. #annoyances
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 24, 2014

Tourists are the worst.

#shartnado
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 31, 2014

#carpnado
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 31, 2014

I go do other things now.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #18

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 29th, 2015 Time: 8:24 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Funny, Jokes, Pointless, Twitter Comments: 0

MOAR TWEETS

If they can put fruit into a burrito, why can't they put meat in a Pop-Tart? #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 4, 2014

Yeah, Science, get on it already.

When I was a little kid, I thought Jesus was a magical flying baby, who granted wishes and then got crucified. #GoodFriday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 19, 2014

Now, he’s my least favourite sun god.

And so it came to pass, that on the fourth day, the CLOSED sign was rolled back to reveal the store had been fully restocked. #LiquorMonday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 21, 2014

Truly, it was the holiest of days.

Was walking the dog last night, when I saw what I thought was a little lost pomeranian, but then it climbed a tree so I didn't mess with it.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 6, 2014

I don’t mess with anything that can pounce on me from above.

Wookie suits are made of human hair? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! #StarWars
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 6, 2014

Urgh. I was just imagining what that would smell like.

Whoever decided that you shouldn't be able to stick magnets to fridge doors anymore is the worst human.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 9, 2014

Where am I supposed to put my crayon drawings?

Anybody remember that Feelin Alright PSA that made binge drinking look totally sweet? I can't find it anywhere on the interbutts.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 12, 2014

I have such nostalgia for commercial breaks.

In ancient times, was being a jerk and not letting people cross a bridge, unless they solved a riddle, an actual job? #history
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 23, 2014

I want to go back in time and be the guy who leaves caches of enchanted weapons in random places.

I'm allergic to grass. I'm physiologically a nerd.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 24, 2014

You should see how much my face swells up when I mow the lawn.

Why doesn't minesweeper have a no 50/50 mode?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 30, 2014

I will sit there with my indecisiveness until the time reads “999”.

BYE!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #11

Author: Laurel Green Date: August 11th, 2015 Time: 11:25 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Funny, Jokes, Social media, Twitter, Writing Comments: 0

Twit to the twat. Tweeter to the twoot.

He's my Tony Danza, a Danza for money, do what I boss him to do…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 24, 2013

All I remember about Who’s the Boss is that it is a thing that existed.

By day I volunteer my time at the youth centre and by night I play in a sweet new wave group.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 28, 2013

And the rich kids are always trying to ruin our fun.

I told Jesus an off-colour joke and he was unamused. I was all like "Hey, I'm just trying to get a RISE out of you!"
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 29, 2013

Is this funny? I don’t understand religion.

April Fool's! I've actually just been an ambulatory sammich this whole time!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 1, 2013

I’m always full of cold cuts, in any case.

I'm going to learn to play guitar on a double guitar. My theory is if I can play a double guitar good, I'll play a single guitar great.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 2, 2013

The only instrument that I know how to play is the clarinet… badly.

The love that speaks its name and only its name, all the time, like it's done sort of Pokémon or something.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 3, 2013

MR. MIME

Well, it took nine years of intense practice, but I can now finally play the hambone.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 9, 2013

Next, I’m going to learn the mouth trumpet.

Oh no! I've pulled my hamstring! My illustrious career as a hamboner has ended just as it began!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 10, 2013

I need a bacon infusion.

You. You know who you are.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 12, 2013

Well. You do.

Are those astronaut pants? Because your butt looks like it's atrophied from being in a zero G environment.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 13, 2013

Do they have pancakes in space?

GRAGH! ARGH! GRRRRRRR!

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Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #32

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