Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #27

TWOOTS?

They make Cadbury Eggs so small these days that it hardly even spoiled my diet.

…I think that this is the worst joke that I have ever made.

My dog is made out of magic… and poop.

It doesn’t have to be an animal that actually exists for my soul to identify with it. Stop fursecuting me!

We’re not even wearing a giant trench coat or anything. We’re just brazenly walking about, a tower of toddlers, and nobody seems to notice or care.

I don’t remember what this was about. Apparently, the Hamburglar was being a douche?

Alright, Laurel, you sit in the middle on the way there and your little brother will take it on the way back.

Later: Your little brother is cranky, so can you take the middle so that he doesn’t throw a tantrum?

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Why can’t he just wear down his claws on the couch like the cats?

It was my suggestion…

Now, imagine a mashup of Human Centipede with Teeth…

Really, why was the giant manchild wearing bondage gear? It’s hard to believe that that’s what he choose to wear himself.

I’m pretty sure that one of the “greens” was actually just lawn grass.

 

 

BYE BYE GOOD FRIENDS!

Things They Should Make Movies About

  • Brian Pepper’s Life Story
  • The Jos. Louis Story
  • Journey to the Centre of the Tootsie Roll Pop
  • Macho Man Randy Savage Saves Guy Fawkes Day
  • A Movie About the Ferengi from Star Trek
  • A Movie About Barclay from Star Trek
  • A Movie About Barkley from Sesame Street
  • Sam Rockwell and Dax Shepard Team Up to Confuse Me
  • That Damn Sequel to The Dark Crystal
  • A Musical About Squirrel Girl
  • Jeff Goldblum and Christopher Walken Drop Acid
  • MC Hammer VS Army of Darkness
  • Kittens that are Murderers

This Christmas, Get Me What I Really Want

People are in the habit of getting me things I neither want or need for Christmas and, not to sound ungrateful or anything, but, yeah, I’m a pretty ungrateful, horrible human being, I seek to avert the holiday misgivings this year.

If you wish to have a happy-as-pie Laurel this holiday season, unpack your limitless resources and time machine, and gather the following items for me.

Nonexistent DVDs

Pepper Ann DVD – Pepper Ann was a redheaded, dorky smart-ass, just like me. Also, Clowny Appleseed rocked and those Warriors of Narn sure had some crude, yet mystical diving tools.

Daria DVD with the proper musicDaria was actually already released on DVD, but MTV couldn’t get the rights to all the music that was originally used, so they had to replace it with new music and I like things to be exactly how I remember them.

Miraculous Mellops DVD – This show was about some kids that had some baby aliens living in their toolshed, or some such weirdness. I don’t really remember a lot about it. I mostly just want to see the part where the aliens ascended into a higher form of being, flew into the sky and launched into an insane musical number.

The Bush Baby DVD – This was an anime about a little girl in Africa who had a bush baby as a best friend. They would foil the plots of poachers and stop wildfires and such. For the longest time, I wasn’t sure if this was an actual show or something that I just imagined, because I misremembered the bush baby as being a sugar glider and, thus, couldn’t find any information on it. To this day, I can’t find a single clip of the English dub.

Round the Twist DVD – This was a show about kids investigating supernatural phenomena and it was super fun.

And, yes, I am aware that these are probably available via nefarious means, but rips of VHS recordings of television are usually of poor quality and depressing to watch.

Discontinued Foodstuffs

Brown Cow chocolate syrupBrown Cow was the greatest chocolate syrup ever known to man. Don’t even try to talk to me about that Nesquik or Hershey’s nonsense. The world will never again know the sublime chocolaty flavour of Brown Cow and we are all lesser for it. Plus, it came in a super cute cow-shaped squeeze bottle, which I would like to put on my mantle.

Orbitz drinkOrbitz was this strange, uncarbonated fruit drink with tiny balls of gelatin floating in it, and it was an aberration. Seriously, it was really, really gross and the balls of gelatin felt unpleasant to swallow, but I want it anyway, because it was neat-looking and fun to shake up.

Tart N Tinys candy – These were like Runts in texture, only not as gross and much smaller.

Sometimes, you can find ancient foodstuffs like these hiding in mom and pop shops, but I want ones that are brand new and won’t give me food-ebola.

Toys From My Youth

Tinkle Tots – Tinkle Tots were little rubber squeeze toys that were shaped like naked babies. You would fill them up with water and squeeze them to simulate them peeing on things. I admire how politically incorrect this was. They were very similar to chew toys and my dog munched one.

Sky DancersSky Dancers were ballerina dolls with wings on their arms. You would pull the ripcord on their launcher and they would fly into your brother’s face, scratching his cornea. Of course, they were recalled for being dangerous. I actually still have a few of these, but I want more.

Polly Pocket – I believe that Polly Pocket toys are still around, but they’re much bigger now. I want the ultra-tiny choking hazard kind from when I was little.

So, yeah, just get me a bunch of grody old toys off of eBay, so I can pretend that I’m 10-years-old for forever and ever and ever…