Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #30


They were very old and unsexy people. Come to think of it… One of them may have just needed special pillows for a back problem.

And now he’s dead.

Was his last movie Independence Day 2? That’s sad.

I only care if they find life if that life happens to also be tasty.

Can you get Botox injections inside your nose?

You might think that I eat an awful lot of Halloween candy for an adult. And you’d be right.

I’ve had a certain tab open for about two years now. I can’t close it because of nostalgia.

And about a quarter of those are Wincest images.

Did you know that many teas are actually supposed to be steeped at less than 100 degrees? Also never wash your teapot.

Kids are all super fat these days, so I guess it’s not that bad that the Halloween candy is getting smaller.



Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #29


Speakers’ Corner was the best, but I guess we have YouTube now and don’t need it anymore.

Remember the Devil’s Advocates? Whatever happened to those guys? Remember when one of them ran for mayor?

The Rogers Centre is always going to be the SkyDome to me.

It’s all a part of God’s plan, Laurel. His design is PERFECT!

I would watch a show that was just entirely an hour of manbutt every week. I would be enthralled.

I have Resting Bitch Face™, because I don’t smile maniacally like an idiot constantly.

I theoretically enjoy makeup, but in practice, I only manage to make myself look like an asshole clown.

I hate Star Wars, but I love weird lipsticks.

Rockets are called Smarties in the US and Smarties don’t exist in the US at all. The Canadian version of a candy is always the superior one.


Honestly, the Devil seems like a pretty okay dude. Ever read the Bible? The Devil always gives people a choice whether to the listen to him, without any threat of consequence. It’s God who threatens people. Pillar of salt and whatnot.

I always embarrass myself at dinner. Invite me somewhere really fancy, if you want to see me spill things on my boobs.

For serious, lingerie industry, get your shit together. Sizing isn’t even consistent within a single brand.



*Laurel slinks away, unoticed*

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #28


Yes, we get it, GRRM. The Middle Ages sucked and everyone died.

I don’t even know why I watch Game of Thrones anymore. It’s stupid and sleazy and I hate it… Buuuuut, I ‘ve invested so much time into it already, I guess I have to see it through to the end.

Has anyone ever gone into anaphylactic shock from a blackfly bite? I get a swollen bump about the size of a small apple every time a blackfly bites me. It would really suck if a teeny tiny bug caused me to die.

It was in the middle of the day, too. Why can’t drunk, gross guys ever tell when they’re standing too close to people?

One time, I found a spider egg sac in one of my bras. I like spiders. Why do they keep trying to feast upon me?

Does it actually count as a three meat pizza when all the meats are technically pork?

Well, you see, what happened was that England defeated France in the Eugenics Wars. That’s why Picard speaks with an English accent.

I still don’t have one of those stupid cookie warnings on any of my websites. If a person doesn’t know that pretty much every website uses cookies, then they deserve whatever bad thing happens to them… which will be nothing.

Schooling can teach you how to be smart, but it can’t teach you how to be a smartass.

Yeah, Drunk Laurel, yer REEAALLL special and junk.

I’ve grown as a person since this and no longer enjoy artificially flavoured liquors. I’m thinking of becoming one of those assholes with five different bottles of bitters. I’m thinking of saying “mouth feel” a lot.


I’m going to commit certain deeds now. See you later.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #27


They make Cadbury Eggs so small these days that it hardly even spoiled my diet.

…I think that this is the worst joke that I have ever made.

My dog is made out of magic… and poop.

It doesn’t have to be an animal that actually exists for my soul to identify with it. Stop fursecuting me!

We’re not even wearing a giant trench coat or anything. We’re just brazenly walking about, a tower of toddlers, and nobody seems to notice or care.

I don’t remember what this was about. Apparently, the Hamburglar was being a douche?

Alright, Laurel, you sit in the middle on the way there and your little brother will take it on the way back.

Later: Your little brother is cranky, so can you take the middle so that he doesn’t throw a tantrum?


Why can’t he just wear down his claws on the couch like the cats?

It was my suggestion…

Now, imagine a mashup of Human Centipede with Teeth…

Really, why was the giant manchild wearing bondage gear? It’s hard to believe that that’s what he choose to wear himself.

I’m pretty sure that one of the “greens” was actually just lawn grass.




Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #26

Laurel, this is pointless. Why don’t you just stop?

Because TWOOT.

Let’s face it: Socrates was banging all of his students.

They would come by in a pickup truck and just swipe everyone’s bags of garbage. It was creepy. My garbage was pretty entirely food packaging and kleenexes, so joke’s on them.


All the Disney Princesses are teenagers as well. What’s with so many animators being ephebophiles and/or zoophiles? I’m looking at you, anime.

Remember when Alf had that horrible talk show? Still better than Jimmy Fallon, though.

I forgive you for your chocolate with actual chocolate in it. Also those fizzy candies that are really good. You’re alright England.

A dove is a pigeon with good PR.

Remember Battle of the Network Stars? You’re getting old.

Really? A denim vest with the patches pinned on? Why do people do this?

But, yeah, keep doing the all-bacon paleo thing. Any diet that says you can eat all the bacon you want has to be a lie.



Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #25


Hey, it’s 1 extra pixel causing a horizontal scrollbar… I’ma gonna go shoot myself in the face.

I haven’t been able to fit a cellphone in my pocket in 10 years.

I forget what this was about, but I expected to see a green alien sticking its tongue out at me and instead I got a bunch of smug, plastic humans.

I also duel-wield celery. I’m highly proficient in vegetable combat.

Well, Time doesn’t so much as march as it flounces about haughtily, the bitch.

Do people not put ketchup on things? I used to have this shitty boyfriend who had to make a comment every time I put ketchup on something, because he thought it was weird.

I’ve been to Facebook, but I’ve never been to me.

The crust on frozen pizza never does what it’s supposed to do, but if I attempted to make my own pizza, I’d probably burn the house down.

I left that Clamato in there even after I moved out. I hope that someone has fun with it.

Half an hour. Then I needed to get more pizza.



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