- I’m Lazy
- Y’all Ain’t Paying Me Anything
- They’re Watching Me
- My Fingers Are Broken
- I’ve Outsourced My Writing to India
- Everything that Can be Said has Been Said
- I Only Know Unspeakable Words
- Packets Keep Being Lost
- In Too Busy Saving the world
- The World is About to End
- Writing is Dead
- There are Gremlins in the Machine
- I Can’t Find a Pen
- Shia LaBeouf Keeps Plagiarising Me
- All Week be Destroyed by the Passage of Time
- Why Write when I Can Dance?
- I’m Too Busy Eating
- You Don’t Have to Write a Script Before You Start Shooting the Film Nowadays
- I’ve Decided to Start Communicating Via Telepathy
- Only the Squirrels Really Understand Me
- You can Already Read My Mind
- My Ghostwriter has been Ressurected
- Nobody has an Attention Span Anymore
Gnomes I Have Met
- Shorty Dewbubble King of the Eastern Field Mice
- Grathport Shamberdert Champion of the Acorn Knights
- Ariana Finepebble Princess Elect of the Amphibious Pipsqueaks
- Nathan of the Fairpetals
- Chodesworth Cobblespurt the Butt-Gnome
- Ivy Wallcrawler the Wall-Gnome
- Seline the Crawlspace Dweller
- Peter Dinklage
- Thumbhigh Johnson
- George the Pea
- Lily the Orifice Spelunker
- Teeny Tina
- Jane Caterpillar Rider
- Beans McMinuscule
- Mighty Mite
- Pinky Who Lives in My Teapot
- Jenny the Slight
- Pocket Weasel
- Smallie Bigs
Things They Should Make Movies About
- Brian Pepper’s Life Story
- The Jos. Louis Story
- Journey to the Centre of the Tootsie Roll Pop
- Macho Man Randy Savage Saves Guy Fawkes Day
- A Movie About the Ferengi from Star Trek
- A Movie About Barclay from Star Trek
- A Movie About Barkley from Sesame Street
- Sam Rockwell and Dax Shepard Team Up to Confuse Me
- That Damn Sequel to The Dark Crystal
- A Musical About Squirrel Girl
- Jeff Goldblum and Christopher Walken Drop Acid
- MC Hammer VS Army of Darkness
- Kittens that are Murderers
I Made a Really Tasty Chicken Today
Oh, yeah, it was the best chicken what I ever did cook. I finally got the amount of the time in the slow cooker and under the broiler right.
And you can’t have any of it.
My chicken. MINE.
I ate most of it with carrots. You can’t have any of my carrots either.
I will probably eat the rest of the chicken tomorrow in a sandwich.
I like cooking chickens and I will continue coking chickens throughout most of my life. You will not be able to stop me.
I saw a chicken that could play tic-tac-toe at the fair once. I would even cook and eat a talented chicken such as that. I do not discriminate between chickens. All will see the inside of my belly.
What’s that thing where you only eat fish? An episcopalian? I’m like that, but with poultry. Oh, just looked it up and it’s a pollotarian. The internet is great. I could have gone my whole life without earning that, but I looked it up instantly on the internet. The future is now.
I wonder if you could teach that tic-tac-toe chicken to use the internet. It would probably spend all its time looking up pictures of cloacae.
Why did the chicken cross the information superhighway?
Cooking Fails
Here are some ways I have screwed up food:
- Added cinnamon instead of chili powder to roasted tomatoes
- Charred the outside of a hamburger while keeping the inside completely raw (a million times)
- Had a chicken disintegrate in the slow cooker
- Always burn things instead of caramelizing them
- Microwaved bread
- Burnt rice to the bottom of the pot
- Added too much garlic to everything
- Over-stirred various batters
- Under-stirred various batters
- Confused baking powder with baking soda
- A mosquito landed in my drink and I drank it anyway
- Stuck things to every non-stick surface
- Set fire to some spiked coffee
- Put things in the fridge instead of the freezer
- Burnt my elbow
- Got various spices in my eyes
- Ate the cheese paper
Things That Should Exist
- Notebooks with the Margins Always on the Outside Edge of the Pages
- A Restaurant the Only Serves Potato Skins
- Lettuce that Tastes Like Bacon
- Edible Socks
- Candy Coffee Mugs
- Cube Shaped Taco Shells
- Contact Lenses that Dissolve After 18 Hours in Your Eyes
- Noise Cancelling Headphones that Only Block out the Noises of People Who You Don’t Like
- A Glass Chair that’s Also Like a Lava Lamp or Something
- Wearable Pizza
- Edible LEDs
- Hard Light
- Knuckle Wigs
- Ebook with Physically Turnable Pages
- Glasses that Turn Every Image of Donald Trump into One of those Guys from They Live
- Miniature Cows
- A Pill that Can Get The Girl from Ipanema out of My Head
- Gnome-Seeking Missiles
- Infinite Monkey Simulator
- Winking Marmosets
- Licorice Pot Roast
- Shrieking High Heels