The Donair Egg Rolls Weren’t Very Good

People were all like, “Donair is so good! You’ve got to try the donair”.

So, I get some frozen donair egg rolls from the grocery store, and it’s like bland sliced roast beef with no sauce inside the rolls, very boring. I take it that this isn’t how donair egg rolls are really supposed to be. The egg roll part wasn’t particularly good either. I’m not sure what kind of quality i was expecting from frozen food, but I’m still disappointed.

I think that I’m mostly mad at the egg roll part not being very good. The only Chinese food place in town went out of business and every Chinese food thing that I get from the grocery store is disappointing.

I keep trying to make egg fried rice, but I’m very bad at it. My timing is always off. I can never get it fried just that perfect amount. And restaurants must be adding some special ingredient to the eggs, because mine never taste like theirs. I’ve bought some MSG in an attempt to try and make my Chinese cookery more authentic, but I have no idea how to use MSG, so that may not have been the best idea. I should probably try to find some sesame oil as well, but I don’t think that they sell any around here. I could order some online, but it’s always a crapshoot with liquids whether they arrive broken and leaking everywhere.

Maybe I could get my food helicoptered in. Is there a billionaire out there who would like to send me meals every day via helicopter? That sounds like a fun rich guy thing to do. You should do it.

People Keep Dropping Off Sprockets at My House

What? Do they think this is a steampunk convention?

Do they think that I’m a mad scientist building evil robots or something? I’m actually an angry scientist.

Is this a prank by those kids who like the animes?

What good are sprockets without chains? I only have half of the equation here!

They could have at least washed off the grease, before they dropped them on my welcome mat. How am I to clean up this mess?

It’s times like these that I wish that I knew how to ride a bike. Bike need sprockets, right?

Can I use these to repair my RoboCop?

Maybe I’ll build a giant mech, that’ll show those fools.

How much is scrap metal going for these days? I’m asking for a friend of mine.

At least I’ll never go hungry again.

Would you like to touch my monkey?

Winter Solstice Foods That I Hate

  • Fruitcake
  • Cranberry Sauce
  • Cider
  • Peppermint Hot Chocolate
  • Cinnamon Added to Random Things
  • Dessert Squares of Indeterminate Origin
  • Gingerbread Houses (Really? I’m supposed to eat something that’s been sitting out and has had little kids poking at it?)
  • Holiday Editions of Snacky Cakes Filled with Red and/or Green Dye
  • Food Shaped Like Angels, Jesuses or Crosses (Stars are acceptable.)
  • Boxes of Chocolate with Cheap Bows Attached That They Charge You Extra For
  • Chinese Food That Doesn’t Come With Fortune Cookies
  • Turnips
  • Gherkins
  • Maraschino Cherries (Especially the green ones.)
  • The General Overuse of Cloves
  • Jell-O Salad with the Incorrect Fruit

We’re Doing Good

We’re doing good.

We’re exercising and getting into shape.

We’re taking time out of our busy day to spend some quality time with you.

We’re learning to cook different foods.

We’re taking up new and interesting hobbies.

We’re reading books and learning a new thing every day.

We’re volunteering in our communities and making the world a better place.

We’re planting trees and improving the environment.

We’re travelling and experiencing different cultures.

We’re adding to our savings accounts and planning for the future.

We’re bettering ourselves.

We’re doing good.

THOSE ARE MY SHOES GIVE THEM BACK YOU ARE A DOG THEY DONT EVEN FIT

My dog thinks he’s people. Like, really thinks he’s people.

Yesterday, he waltzed into the living room and complained about how hipsters are ruining everything. This is improper behaviour for a dog. Perhaps I have trained him badly.

He only eats kale and quinoa now. He’s on a paleo diet or something. Won’t even look at his kibble. Ever seen a dog scoff at something? I think that it’s him that’s really the hipster. Hipster dogster.

He owns an investment property on the west coast and he wants to purchase a small bungalow to rent out. I have tried using the spray bottle on him to deter this behaviour to no avail.

He has a credit card. He gets drunk and buys chew toys on Amazon. If I act more dominant, do you think that he will become more respectful with his purchases? I really want to be a pack leader.

I think that he’s doing drugs. Is he lashing out because he’s not stimulated enough? Maybe I need to take him for walkies more often, so that he can get enough exercise to not need to self-medicate.

He complains that I don’t respect his personal space. Ha! This is coming from the guy who will sit right next to my feet and lick his balls for an hour. Lousy hypocritical dog.

He says that he wants to take a year off of school to backpack around Europe and find himself. Duder can’t even find his own tail.

Winter Hope

I hope that we don’t have another polar vortex this year. We really don’t need another snowmegeddon, snowpocalypse or snownarok.

I hope I don’t have to break out my thermal underpants, just to walk the dog.

I hope that I don’t have to chug hot chocolate to stay warm. (I will do it anyway, though.)

I hope global warming causes a year-round summer.

I hope that I don’t have to do that thing where you wear, like, three pairs of socks, in order to keep your toes from freezing solid and falling off.

I hope that I don’t have to fight that yeti again this year.

I hope that I don’t have to fight Santa VS the Snowman.

I hope that they re-release Die Hard, so that I can see it on the big screen or the first time.

I hope that the snow never gets too high for the pizza delivery guy.

I hope that the snow doesn’t knock the internet out

I hope that the polar bears don’t get me.

I hope that the whore frost doesn’t steal my man.

I hope that I can find snowshoes in my size.

I hope that a snowy owl won’t claw my eyes out.

I hope that The Day After Tomorrow doesn’t happen and a glacier chases me down a hallway.

I hope for delicious mulled wine to loll me to sleep.

I hope for Emo Philips to LOL me to sleep.

I hope or a luxurious winter coat made from lemur pelts.

I hope that the stupid Polar Express, with its mutant dead-eyed children, stays the Hell away from me.

I hope that I become the new Queen of Winter.