December 2015

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #18

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 29th, 2015 Time: 8:24 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Funny, Jokes, Pointless, Twitter Comments: 0

MOAR TWEETS

If they can put fruit into a burrito, why can't they put meat in a Pop-Tart? #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 4, 2014

Yeah, Science, get on it already.

When I was a little kid, I thought Jesus was a magical flying baby, who granted wishes and then got crucified. #GoodFriday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 19, 2014

Now, he’s my least favourite sun god.

And so it came to pass, that on the fourth day, the CLOSED sign was rolled back to reveal the store had been fully restocked. #LiquorMonday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 21, 2014

Truly, it was the holiest of days.

Was walking the dog last night, when I saw what I thought was a little lost pomeranian, but then it climbed a tree so I didn't mess with it.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 6, 2014

I don’t mess with anything that can pounce on me from above.

Wookie suits are made of human hair? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! #StarWars
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 6, 2014

Urgh. I was just imagining what that would smell like.

Whoever decided that you shouldn't be able to stick magnets to fridge doors anymore is the worst human.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 9, 2014

Where am I supposed to put my crayon drawings?

Anybody remember that Feelin Alright PSA that made binge drinking look totally sweet? I can't find it anywhere on the interbutts.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 12, 2014

I have such nostalgia for commercial breaks.

In ancient times, was being a jerk and not letting people cross a bridge, unless they solved a riddle, an actual job? #history
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 23, 2014

I want to go back in time and be the guy who leaves caches of enchanted weapons in random places.

I'm allergic to grass. I'm physiologically a nerd.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 24, 2014

You should see how much my face swells up when I mow the lawn.

Why doesn't minesweeper have a no 50/50 mode?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 30, 2014

I will sit there with my indecisiveness until the time reads “999”.

BYE!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #17

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 22nd, 2015 Time: 9:24 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Insane, Jokes, Technology, Twitter Comments: 0

Re-reading my tweets because I can never remember things that I have said before. I am always repeating myself.

I need a British person to explain the appeal of Countdown to me, because it looks like the most boring show of all time.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 10, 2014

So, it’s like Boggle, only different?

Countdown, the show where you win a teapot, but you already have a teapot because you're British.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 10, 2014

Seriously, that’s the grand prize, a stupid teapot.

I've got a great idea! Make it so that people have to move their eyes in a spirally zigzag motion to read things in chronological order!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 12, 2014

I really, really hate tessellated website layouts and I talk about it a lot.

My whole life I've wanted to suplex someone. #wrestling #silly #MachoMadness
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 19, 2014

Preferably my little brother.

My knee smells like sweet and sour pork. #Foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 1, 2014

I did it. I ate my knee. I can’t walk now.

They need to make the Puppy Academy Awards for the rest of us to watch. #Oscars
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 3, 2014

I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio would be more like to win a Puppy Academy Award.

Quick oats take longer to cook than minute oats? What kind of horrible universe is this!? #cooking
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 6, 2014

This is truly a frightening and unjust universe.

It still astounds me, every time I read about it, that there was actual mass hysteria over supposed satanic cults in the 80s.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 27, 2014

Yes, seriously, people in the US were arrested and went to jail for being accused of satanic worship in the 1980s. Most of the convictions were overturned, but there’s at least one person still in jail, I believe.

At what age will it become acceptable for me to just wear a velour tracksuit everywhere? #fashion
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 27, 2014

I want to dress like an old, lazy mafia guy.

Is it a joke? Yes, all the things are jokes, not just today, but every day. #AprilFools #Ennui
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 1, 2014

Wow. This is like philosophical, or something.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #16

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 15th, 2015 Time: 10:18 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Jokes, Twitter, weather, Web 2.0 Comments: 0

Postin’ muh twitz hur, because I donnae like Twitter’s infinite scroll.

I'm in your room touching all your stuff.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 12, 2014

Really, you can’t leave me alone at all.

Ah, the heavenly days when the brown sugar is fresh and supple, before it becomes an invulnerable adamantine brick.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 14, 2014

I need to get me some vacuum-sealed containers.

1 star – There was too much on my hands >:(
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 18, 2014

This is funnier without context.

Does an ampersand count as a word?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 20, 2014

And do an percent sign or a dollar sign?

I was walking to the store in a full-on blizzard and some lady yelled at me because I wouldn't stop and look at what her kid was doing.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 29, 2014

This was a really bizarre event. It was during the Polar Vortex and some little brat shouted something at me, which I didn’t hear because I was bundled-up in 17 layers. The next thing I know, his mom is insanely angry at me because I wouldn’t stop and watch what her little rugrat was doing. And to top it all off, the stupid kid was playing right in the middle of the street. There weren’t any cars because of all the snow, but it was kinda likely that a plow might round the corner and smush the kid.