Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #27

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TWOOTS?

They make Cadbury Eggs so small these days that it hardly even spoiled my diet.

…I think that this is the worst joke that I have ever made.

My dog is made out of magic… and poop.

It doesn’t have to be an animal that actually exists for my soul to identify with it. Stop fursecuting me!

We’re not even wearing a giant trench coat or anything. We’re just brazenly walking about, a tower of toddlers, and nobody seems to notice or care.

I don’t remember what this was about. Apparently, the Hamburglar was being a douche?

Alright, Laurel, you sit in the middle on the way there and your little brother will take it on the way back.

Later: Your little brother is cranky, so can you take the middle so that he doesn’t throw a tantrum?

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Why can’t he just wear down his claws on the couch like the cats?

It was my suggestion…

Now, imagine a mashup of Human Centipede with Teeth…

Really, why was the giant manchild wearing bondage gear? It’s hard to believe that that’s what he choose to wear himself.

I’m pretty sure that one of the “greens” was actually just lawn grass.

 

 

BYE BYE GOOD FRIENDS!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #26

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Laurel, this is pointless. Why don’t you just stop?

Because TWOOT.

Let’s face it: Socrates was banging all of his students.

They would come by in a pickup truck and just swipe everyone’s bags of garbage. It was creepy. My garbage was pretty entirely food packaging and kleenexes, so joke’s on them.

SLOOOOOWWLY I TURNED…

All the Disney Princesses are teenagers as well. What’s with so many animators being ephebophiles and/or zoophiles? I’m looking at you, anime.

Remember when Alf had that horrible talk show? Still better than Jimmy Fallon, though.

I forgive you for your chocolate with actual chocolate in it. Also those fizzy candies that are really good. You’re alright England.

A dove is a pigeon with good PR.

Remember Battle of the Network Stars? You’re getting old.

Really? A denim vest with the patches pinned on? Why do people do this?

But, yeah, keep doing the all-bacon paleo thing. Any diet that says you can eat all the bacon you want has to be a lie.

 

*SKREEEEEEEE*

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #25

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GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hey, it’s 1 extra pixel causing a horizontal scrollbar… I’ma gonna go shoot myself in the face.

I haven’t been able to fit a cellphone in my pocket in 10 years.

I forget what this was about, but I expected to see a green alien sticking its tongue out at me and instead I got a bunch of smug, plastic humans.

I also duel-wield celery. I’m highly proficient in vegetable combat.

Well, Time doesn’t so much as march as it flounces about haughtily, the bitch.

Do people not put ketchup on things? I used to have this shitty boyfriend who had to make a comment every time I put ketchup on something, because he thought it was weird.

I’ve been to Facebook, but I’ve never been to me.

The crust on frozen pizza never does what it’s supposed to do, but if I attempted to make my own pizza, I’d probably burn the house down.

I left that Clamato in there even after I moved out. I hope that someone has fun with it.

Half an hour. Then I needed to get more pizza.

 

MURP! GURP! DURP!