Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #33


Why does my name cause people so much trouble? I mean, it’s a word in the English language, even.

Have you ever even seen Sam Rockwell and Dax Shepard in the same room? I’m not convinced that they aren’t the same person.

YouTube: where you can see absolutely everything unboxed.

I like it when it suggests the hammer and sickle. Communism is awesome.

Abe Vigoda: the only human who was 94 for 70 consecutive years.

I also swallow gum. I’m a rebel.

It reached 47°C. I died several times. I don’t think that white people belong in Tucson, especially not ones as pale as me.

One day, I will be rich to travel around in tour bus. One day.

The sign outside of O’Hare International Airport says, “We have such sights to show you.”

I ended up not killing anybody. People should really thank me for every day that I don’t end up killing them.




Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #32


According to the internet, this may not have been a meteor at all and may have been a flare that someone fired off, which just makes the event all that more bizarre. I guess someone was trying to signal for help and I didn’t come to their aid. :/

Does it still count as a fruit serving when it’s surrounded by chocolate?

The snuggle-pooch goes nuts for peas. He sits there and whines at me like he’s starving to death, until I give him my peas.


The Phlegmish are a very stuck-up and snotty people.

Hey, people building apartment buildings, include some sort of parcel drop-off box so that your tenants don’t constantly complain about their stupid Amazon crap getting stolen.

Mr. Falcon didn’t fly so good.

Maybe, I should have gone up and talked to him, even though I was carrying a bag of poop? People say that cute little dogs are babe-magnets, but they always fail to factor in all the poop.

Remember parity? Wasn’t that a golden age?

Are people taking bets on the date of my inevitable coronary event, yet?




Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #31


Granted, the “angry” thing was just a turbulent sea, but that was incredibly violent imagery for Bob Ross.

My god, the contrast was staggering.

Yeah, I don’t care if you’re turning right. Pedestrians have right of way and forcing people to jaywalk is just damned rude.

Just when you think that bagel technology has progressed just about as far as it can go, humanity makes a breakthrough that shatters the previous generation’s bagel record.

Truly, these are the bagels for the Information Age.

He shows me that he loves me by farting and begging for cheese. Then the cheese makes him fart some more.


Laurel, there are people who are starving and don’t have access to clean water, and here you are bathing in chocolate.

Fuck you, I got mine.

With style. You take the Ritz off with style.

I buy a six-pack for my ribs and a six-pack for my tummy.

Seriously, remove those fabric pills. It instantly makes a sweater less frumpy.

I sure really lay off the weird spicy spirits. For one thing, they’re always using spice to cover up that it’s a poor quality liquor and then I wake up with a headache.