I hate Laura and Lauren, but call me Lorelei and my eyebrows will fly off my face and harm you. #AttackEyebrows
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 10, 2016
Why does my name cause people so much trouble? I mean, it’s a word in the English language, even.
If Dax Shepard and Sam Rockwell kissed, would their faces meld together into the same face? #TheGreatConjunction
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 10, 2016
Have you ever even seen Sam Rockwell and Dax Shepard in the same room? I’m not convinced that they aren’t the same person.
“Tarantula Unboxing”? Also, you can send people spiders in the mail, apparently? #SpiderGift
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 10, 2016
YouTube: where you can see absolutely everything unboxed.
Google just suggested the unicode snowman as a related search… #WeirdWeb
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 14, 2016
I like it when it suggests the hammer and sickle. Communism is awesome.
Repent! For surely this is herald of the end of times! RIP Abe Vigoda
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 26, 2016
Abe Vigoda: the only human who was 94 for 70 consecutive years.
I live dangerously. I eat the green potato chips.#glycoalkaloids
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 31, 2016
I also swallow gum. I’m a rebel.
Jeezy Creezy. It’s going to be hovering around 30°C in Tuscon. I’m going to die!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 10, 2016
It reached 47°C. I died several times. I don’t think that white people belong in Tucson, especially not ones as pale as me.
Laurel don’t want to fly. Wanna ride a choo choo. #IsLaurelThereYet
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 14, 2016
One day, I will be rich to travel around in tour bus. One day.
I put the puzzle box in the exasperation configuration and ended up at O'Hare. #IsLaurelThereYet
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 15, 2016
The sign outside of O’Hare International Airport says, “We have such sights to show you.”
Layover in Chicago, eh? Just enough time to kill a guy. But who? WHO? #IsLaurelThereYet
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 15, 2016
I ended up not killing anybody. People should really thank me for every day that I don’t end up killing them.
GLORF!