I *TECHNICALLY* Completed NaBloPoMo 2014

Well, another NaBloPoMo has come and gone. I managed to do a post every day this month, so I win NaBloPoMo this year, or something. Sure, most of what I posted was complete and utter nonsense, but, whatever, there’s no reason you have to read it, so bleh.

Here are all my NaBloPoMo posts from this year:

  1. NaBloPoMo 2014
  2. Conversations With My Dog
  3. This Energy Drink is Doing Nothing for Me
  4. “Eric Conveys an Emotion” is Going to Update! Just You Wait and See!
  5. 20 Litres and a Pound of Butter up a Hill
  6. The One Rule is to Write
  7. Things That You Can Place in a Small Box
  8. This Christmas, Get Me What I Really Want
  9. Half of My Head is Full of Goo
  10. My Ear is Still Being Weird
  11. Things That You Can Put in a Soup
  12. I Ate Half a Cake
  13. Winter Hope
  14. THOSE ARE MY SHOES GIVE THEM BACK YOU ARE A DOG THEY DONT EVEN FIT
  15. We’re Doing Good
  16. Winter Solstice Foods That I Hate
  17. People Keep Dropping Off Sprockets at My House
  18. The Donair Egg Rolls Weren’t Very Good
  19. Things That Should Exist
  20. Cooking Fails
  21. I Made a Really Tasty Chicken Today
  22. Things They Should Make Movies About
  23. Gnomes I Have Met
  24. Why I Don’t Wanna Write
  25. Real Donairs are Better than Frozen Ones
  26. Things You Don’t See on Fire Much
  27. May You All Fight Valiantly on Black Friday
  28. Fun Things to Do On a Sunny Day
  29. The World Famous Eric J.
  30. The Squirrels are About to Overthrow their Oppressors

Did I learn anything this year? No. I have learned absolutely nothing. I think that I may have even forgotten some things that I used to know.

Real Donairs are Better than Frozen Ones

Here is a bit of an update to the whole donair egg roll thing.

I went to one of the local restaurants here and got myself a donair platter and it was quite good. It was spicy shaved kebab meat, cheese and tomatoes on a pita, in many ways very similar to a gyro. The big difference is that donair sauce is sweet, whereas tzatziki, which often come with gyros, is tangy. The meat was spicier and less greasy than that in the frozen donair egg rolls, much better.

As a bit of an aside, the first restaurant we went to was actually closed, they haven’t posted their off-season hours online. What kind of restaurant closes at 7PM anyway?

Why I Don’t Wanna Write

  • I’m Lazy
  • Y’all Ain’t Paying Me Anything
  • They’re Watching Me
  • My Fingers Are Broken
  • I’ve Outsourced My Writing to India
  • Everything that Can be Said has Been Said
  • I Only Know Unspeakable Words
  • Packets Keep Being Lost
  • In Too Busy Saving the world
  • The World is About to End
  • Writing is Dead
  • There are Gremlins in the Machine
  • I Can’t Find a Pen
  • Shia LaBeouf Keeps Plagiarising Me
  • All Week be Destroyed by the Passage of Time
  • Why Write when I Can Dance?
  • I’m Too Busy Eating
  • You Don’t Have to Write a Script Before You Start Shooting the Film Nowadays
  • I’ve Decided to Start Communicating Via Telepathy
  • Only the Squirrels Really Understand Me
  • You can Already Read My Mind
  • My Ghostwriter has been Ressurected
  • Nobody has an Attention Span Anymore

I Made a Really Tasty Chicken Today

Oh, yeah, it was the best chicken what I ever did cook. I finally got the amount of the time in the slow cooker and under the broiler right.

And you can’t have any of it.

My chicken. MINE.

I ate most of it with carrots. You can’t have any of my carrots either.

I will probably eat the rest of the chicken tomorrow in a sandwich.

I like cooking chickens and I will continue coking chickens throughout most of my life. You will not be able to stop me.

I saw a chicken that could play tic-tac-toe at the fair once. I would even cook and eat a talented chicken such as that. I do not discriminate between chickens. All will see the inside of my belly.

What’s that thing where you only eat fish? An episcopalian? I’m like that, but with poultry. Oh, just looked it up and it’s a pollotarian. The internet is great. I could have gone my whole life without earning that, but I looked it up instantly on the internet. The future is now.

I wonder if you could teach that tic-tac-toe chicken to use the internet. It would probably spend all its time looking up pictures of cloacae.

Why did the chicken cross the information superhighway?

Cooking Fails

Here are some ways I have screwed up food:

  • Added cinnamon instead of chili powder to roasted tomatoes
  • Charred the outside of a hamburger while keeping the inside completely raw (a million times)
  • Had a chicken disintegrate in the slow cooker
  • Always burn things instead of caramelizing them
  • Microwaved bread
  • Burnt rice to the bottom of the pot
  • Added too much garlic to everything
  • Over-stirred various batters
  • Under-stirred various batters
  • Confused baking powder with baking soda
  • A mosquito landed in my drink and I drank it anyway
  • Stuck things to every non-stick surface
  • Set fire to some spiked coffee
  • Put things in the fridge instead of the freezer
  • Burnt my elbow
  • Got various spices in my eyes
  • Ate the cheese paper

The Donair Egg Rolls Weren’t Very Good

People were all like, “Donair is so good! You’ve got to try the donair”.

So, I get some frozen donair egg rolls from the grocery store, and it’s like bland sliced roast beef with no sauce inside the rolls, very boring. I take it that this isn’t how donair egg rolls are really supposed to be. The egg roll part wasn’t particularly good either. I’m not sure what kind of quality i was expecting from frozen food, but I’m still disappointed.

I think that I’m mostly mad at the egg roll part not being very good. The only Chinese food place in town went out of business and every Chinese food thing that I get from the grocery store is disappointing.

I keep trying to make egg fried rice, but I’m very bad at it. My timing is always off. I can never get it fried just that perfect amount. And restaurants must be adding some special ingredient to the eggs, because mine never taste like theirs. I’ve bought some MSG in an attempt to try and make my Chinese cookery more authentic, but I have no idea how to use MSG, so that may not have been the best idea. I should probably try to find some sesame oil as well, but I don’t think that they sell any around here. I could order some online, but it’s always a crapshoot with liquids whether they arrive broken and leaking everywhere.

Maybe I could get my food helicoptered in. Is there a billionaire out there who would like to send me meals every day via helicopter? That sounds like a fun rich guy thing to do. You should do it.

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