Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #27

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TWOOTS?

They make Cadbury Eggs so small these days that it hardly even spoiled my diet.

…I think that this is the worst joke that I have ever made.

My dog is made out of magic… and poop.

It doesn’t have to be an animal that actually exists for my soul to identify with it. Stop fursecuting me!

We’re not even wearing a giant trench coat or anything. We’re just brazenly walking about, a tower of toddlers, and nobody seems to notice or care.

I don’t remember what this was about. Apparently, the Hamburglar was being a douche?

Alright, Laurel, you sit in the middle on the way there and your little brother will take it on the way back.

Later: Your little brother is cranky, so can you take the middle so that he doesn’t throw a tantrum?

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Why can’t he just wear down his claws on the couch like the cats?

It was my suggestion…

Now, imagine a mashup of Human Centipede with Teeth…

Really, why was the giant manchild wearing bondage gear? It’s hard to believe that that’s what he choose to wear himself.

I’m pretty sure that one of the “greens” was actually just lawn grass.

 

 

BYE BYE GOOD FRIENDS!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #26

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Laurel, this is pointless. Why don’t you just stop?

Because TWOOT.

Let’s face it: Socrates was banging all of his students.

They would come by in a pickup truck and just swipe everyone’s bags of garbage. It was creepy. My garbage was pretty entirely food packaging and kleenexes, so joke’s on them.

SLOOOOOWWLY I TURNED…

All the Disney Princesses are teenagers as well. What’s with so many animators being ephebophiles and/or zoophiles? I’m looking at you, anime.

Remember when Alf had that horrible talk show? Still better than Jimmy Fallon, though.

I forgive you for your chocolate with actual chocolate in it. Also those fizzy candies that are really good. You’re alright England.

A dove is a pigeon with good PR.

Remember Battle of the Network Stars? You’re getting old.

Really? A denim vest with the patches pinned on? Why do people do this?

But, yeah, keep doing the all-bacon paleo thing. Any diet that says you can eat all the bacon you want has to be a lie.

 

*SKREEEEEEEE*

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #25

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GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hey, it’s 1 extra pixel causing a horizontal scrollbar… I’ma gonna go shoot myself in the face.

I haven’t been able to fit a cellphone in my pocket in 10 years.

I forget what this was about, but I expected to see a green alien sticking its tongue out at me and instead I got a bunch of smug, plastic humans.

I also duel-wield celery. I’m highly proficient in vegetable combat.

Well, Time doesn’t so much as march as it flounces about haughtily, the bitch.

Do people not put ketchup on things? I used to have this shitty boyfriend who had to make a comment every time I put ketchup on something, because he thought it was weird.

I’ve been to Facebook, but I’ve never been to me.

The crust on frozen pizza never does what it’s supposed to do, but if I attempted to make my own pizza, I’d probably burn the house down.

I left that Clamato in there even after I moved out. I hope that someone has fun with it.

Half an hour. Then I needed to get more pizza.

 

MURP! GURP! DURP!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #24

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I’ma keep doing this until you like it.

Can someone tell me how the Hell Friendster metamorphosized into an Asian gaming website?

It’s only $0.88.

Lousy Polar Vortex…

I should have just paid for a plow or some neighbour kid to take care of it.

The snowbank was about 6 feet high. I was worried he was going to break his neck.

It Canada, our celebrity albino groundhog died unexpectedly just before Groundhog day, so they tried to pass an new groundhog off as the old one, but people could tell the difference. It was quite the controversy. Canada is adorable.

My grandfather had his first heart attack in his 30s. I probably shouldn’t do things like this.

A group of crows is called a “murder”. This a fact that people constantly feel the need to inform be of, as if I didn’t already learn it as a small child. I read books once and a while, you know.

There has to be a better way!

Why does every can opener break in the middle of the night, when I only have soup in the house and I can’t go out to get more food?

 

And now I shall return to my evil deeds!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #23

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I think that I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

Remember the Hell that was 2015?

…What?

…Who?

Remember that creepy Pregnant Barbie?

Skipper isn’t even a name.

I like my Kens blond and dumb as a post.

It’s “brunet”, but I prefer to say “brunbro”.

My fighting clothes are dangerous eye irritants.

The house that I grew up in didn’t even have a doorbell.

I are good at cooking!

 

Blargh bloog bloop!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #22

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Nobody tweets like me. Nobody.

This is the type of thing I think is clever when I have a head cold.

Just when you think that the world has hit peak hipster…

I have fixed-gear rollerblades.

Oh, you don’t like it when people are out late, officer? Well, the dog has to pee when the dog has to pee.

Christmas is even creepier, though. Santa, snowmen and reindeer on a drought-ravaged lawn is just eerie.

You should see my guns.

You know Laurel, when most people go crazy, they do something fun like chew someone’s face off. You just do things like stick a div inside a div inside a div inside a div…

And then they did it again on two other separate occasions. So, basically, someone was puking in front of my house on purpose. I heard them once at about 4AM. I considered calling the police, but they would probably be long gone by the time the police showed up and what would you even charge them with?

And since it was winter, it froze and stayed there for weeks. Judging by how pink it was, this person was eating a lot of shrimp.

This is a story you needed to hear.

German compound words are fun!

I’m a lovely human being.

 

 

And now to return to my lair!