Twitter Timewarp Tuesday

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #15

Author: Laurel Green Date: November 3rd, 2015 Time: 11:12 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Jokes, Pets, Social media, Twitter Comments: 0

Backing up my tweets because of my paranoia about losing things forever.

Poor dog, using the slow cooker is like torture to him. 8 hours of delicious roast smell wafting through the house.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 26, 2013

It’s really very heartbreaking to watch him search all over the house for beef for hours.

Hey Americans, one word: turduckenstrich.
Make it happen.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 27, 2013

Americans, always shoving things up other things’ arses.

I only have exactly one curve. I'm only half real. I'm trapped between worlds!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 29, 2013

I have no idea what I meant by this.

Argh. The Twelve Days of Christmas start AFTER Christmas Day. AFTER!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 17, 2013

Something. Something. The Epiphany.

They need to make tiny turkeys for single people. Also, for spoiling the cat.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 22, 2013

And don’t tell me to get a chicken, because turkey tastes way better than chicken.

Why is the grocery store out of ketchup? What are people eating on Christmas that requires ketchup?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 23, 2013

I was buying groceries for the whole week, not just Christmas, so I don’t count here.

Merry {INSERT PAGAN WINTER SOLSTICE CELEBRATION HERE} and {INSERT SNARKY COMMENT HERE}!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 25, 2013

Ask me about my views on religion.

Jim Varney could have been great. He was never given a chance. Jim Varney could have been great.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 27, 2013

Greatest actor ever. I will fight you.

They need to invent bed technology that can replicate the feeling of lying in a sunbeam.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 2, 2014

I’m basically a giant, lazy cat.

Pale, gangly men seem to be really in right now. Why not pale, gangly women? I'd be set for life!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 6, 2014

Stop trying to convince me that Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston are super sexy. They look like they need to be spoonfed some soup.

All for now. Perhaps, all for ever.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #14

Author: Laurel Green Date: October 28th, 2015 Time: 3:10 AM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Jokes, Social media, Twitter, Web 2.0, World Wide Web Comments: 0

I like backing up my tweets here, because my website is way less annoying that Twitter. Infinite scroll my ass.

TWEETDECK FOR ANDROID DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE! GRAGH!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 25, 2013

I’m still pissed off about this. Tweetdeck was my favourite Twitter app. It was lightweight, fast and it didn’t have any stupid nonsense like sponsored posts. The only app I get madder about is the death of Google Reader.

When I am in charge, we will have a scouring pad that is only for mugs. #dishwashing #cleanliness #petpeeves #foodparticles #iuseamugfortea
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 31, 2013

Seriously, it can’t be sanitary to be wiping something imbued with rotten meat chunks all over a cup.

They subtitle British accents on American TV, but I think that if you can't understand a British accent, you probably can't read either.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 5, 2013

Then again, I can’t understand many southern American accents.

Facebook is starting to seem like Silent Hill; The only people that haven't evacuated yet are the religious cultists and the monsters.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 6, 2013

Does everyone’s mom count as a monster?

I don't think that cinnamon rolls should have raisins in them. NO baked goods should have raisins in them. #ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 8, 2013

Just stop putting rotten fruit in everything. It just makes things horrible.

Wait… Does Comic Serif exist?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 29, 2013

Comic Serif does exist. I have gazed upon its hideousness.

Having pushed energy drinks as far as they can go, they are now making chill-out drinks with melatonin. Awesome! Mix'em with alcohol, kids!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 20, 2013

Enjoy your forever sleep, kiddoes.

I don't understand Trapper Keepers. Why not use a binder? Did paper with holes not exist yet?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 22, 2013

Can somebody for the 80s please explain this to me? Trapper Keepers just seem to over-complicate everything.

Cheese sauce: it's either water or tar. There is no middle ground.#food #dairy #cooking #fail
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 31, 2013

I picked the spoon up and the bowl came with it.

Tweeznax is coming! Tweeznax is coming! Make way for the Lapicnirp Namrehs!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 3, 2013

If you know what this is a reference to, you win one entire internet.

Done for now.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #13

Author: Laurel Green Date: September 15th, 2015 Time: 9:34 PM Modified: 2015-09-15T21:38:28-04:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, inane, Jokes, Movies, Twitter Comments: 0

The past has returned. The past of twitter.

Why hasn't science developed a Montréal-style smoked meat sandwich that I can eat for every meal without have a massive cardiac event?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 16, 2013

I would eat a sandwich for every meal, if I could.

I've never worn a sweater vest.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 19, 2013

And, yet, I don’t feel like I’ve missed much.

I think that Neelix was underutilized on Star Trek: Voyager.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 1, 2013

I actually think that Ethan Phillips is a really good actor.

I'm tired of everything being darker and edgier. I want things to be lighter and fluffier!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 11, 2013

Robocop 2 where every character is played by a fluffy kitten!

I had a dream that Bootsy Collins and George Clinton had their own starships. They got in a fight. Picard was sent to mediate he speaks funk
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 11, 2013

Actually, I think that this is an event that happened in real life.

Those stupid wheelers from Return to Oz were the only things in a movie that ever scared me as a child.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 13, 2013

And we used to watch R-rated movies all the time, because I have an older brother and sister, too. But those damn wheeler bastards…

Bruce Willis sure is skinny in the first Die Hard.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 15, 2013

One day I’m going to go on a rant about how I think that action stars have gotten way too bulky.

Oh no, Doink has died. Doink was my favourite wrestler. :'(
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 30, 2013

Remember when the wrestling clown would fight the voodoo priest? The 90s were stupid.

Depressed Goblin Nightmare Boy
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 2, 2013

What’s the polar opposite of quirky?

One day I want to own every kind of kitchen doohickey.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 3, 2013

I need me one of those cake pop makers.

Well, that’s all for now. GOODBYE!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #12

Author: Laurel Green Date: September 8th, 2015 Time: 9:10 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Jeff Goldblum, Jokes, Social media, Twitter Comments: 0

Twitter.

I just spent several hours trimming 6.5kb off of a style sheet.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 14, 2013

Making my website load that itty-bitty fraction of a second faster was well worth the trouble.

You're either a princess or a witch.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 15, 2013

Or sometimes you’re a fairy, I guess.

One of these days, I'm gong to give names to the half-billion text documents on my desktop. One of these days…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 17, 2013

New Text Document has about a thousand identical twin brothers.

There's nothing that says that once you've sold your soul that you can't one day buy it back.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 21, 2013

The Devil runs a pawnshop.

Ugh. Jeff Goldblum is such a weirdo.
WHY WON'T HE MARRY ME!?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 29, 2013

I don’t have an unhealthy obsession with Jeff Goldblum. Obsessing over Jeff Goldblum is the healthiest thing that a human can do.

When your back is against the wall and things seem their darkest, just remember: there are still delicious sandwiches in this world.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 1, 2013

The Darkest Timeline has no sandwiches.

When you've got "The Girl from Ipanema" perpetually stuck in your head, is it a curse from a leprechaun or a voodoo priestess?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 3, 2013

Seriously, it’s stuck in my head at this very moment.

I'm going to become a superhero named "The Scowl". I will have a giant red S on my cowl.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 7, 2013

Wow. It’s like a visual pun or something.

I wish to cause grievous bodily harm to the person that invented window wells.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 11, 2013

Window wells: because you like to watch as your basement gets flooded.

What's something that I can make for breakfast that I can put ketchup on?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 13, 2013

The answer is: eggs.

ALL FOR NOW.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #11

Author: Laurel Green Date: August 11th, 2015 Time: 11:25 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Funny, Jokes, Social media, Twitter, Writing Comments: 0

Twit to the twat. Tweeter to the twoot.

He's my Tony Danza, a Danza for money, do what I boss him to do…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 24, 2013

All I remember about Who’s the Boss is that it is a thing that existed.

By day I volunteer my time at the youth centre and by night I play in a sweet new wave group.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 28, 2013

And the rich kids are always trying to ruin our fun.

I told Jesus an off-colour joke and he was unamused. I was all like "Hey, I'm just trying to get a RISE out of you!"
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 29, 2013

Is this funny? I don’t understand religion.

April Fool's! I've actually just been an ambulatory sammich this whole time!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 1, 2013

I’m always full of cold cuts, in any case.

I'm going to learn to play guitar on a double guitar. My theory is if I can play a double guitar good, I'll play a single guitar great.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 2, 2013

The only instrument that I know how to play is the clarinet… badly.

The love that speaks its name and only its name, all the time, like it's done sort of Pokémon or something.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 3, 2013

MR. MIME

Well, it took nine years of intense practice, but I can now finally play the hambone.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 9, 2013

Next, I’m going to learn the mouth trumpet.

Oh no! I've pulled my hamstring! My illustrious career as a hamboner has ended just as it began!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 10, 2013

I need a bacon infusion.

You. You know who you are.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 12, 2013

Well. You do.

Are those astronaut pants? Because your butt looks like it's atrophied from being in a zero G environment.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 13, 2013

Do they have pancakes in space?

GRAGH! ARGH! GRRRRRRR!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #10

Author: Laurel Green Date: August 4th, 2015 Time: 9:35 AM Modified: 2015-07-29T04:44:03-04:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, inane, Online Communities, Social media, Web 2.0 Comments: 0

I don’t really know why I feel the need to back my tweets up here. Would Twitter ever just eat all my tweets one day? It’s probably more likely that my website would die.

And I never have anything important to say there, anyway.

Make a sammich by myself with my own two hands? What is this, the dark ages?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 22, 2013

They promised us that if we won World War II, that robots would be making our sammiches by now.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 22, 2013

Our youth are being forced into horrible conditions making sammiches round the clock to pay off our debt to China. This is not my America!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 22, 2013

And the award for best sammich in my belly goes to ham & havarti. Accepting on their behalf is diet cola.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 25, 2013

I’m awful serious about the sammiches.

I can't believe that Edible Arrangements doesn't make fruit hats.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 1, 2013

Carmen Miranda-ing would be way more fun to do to your enemies than glitter bombing.

I find that using Irish Spring as a hand soap is disconcerting.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 6, 2013

It should really only be used on the armpits of teenage boys.

Ugh. I wonder if there is a way to remove something that I posted on Usenet twenty years ago?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 14, 2013

The Net has it forever and ever and ever.

My socks keep flipping heel side up :'(
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 18, 2013

This is one of the reasons that I don’t wear socks, unless it’s really, really cold.

I cite all of these reboots, remakes and reimaginings as evidence that we're trapped in a karmic loop.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 22, 2013

We need to break the cycle and achieve cinematic nirvana!

Tables can have legs and feet but they never have ankles.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 23, 2013

Really. Think about it.

Well, that’s all for today.

Go do something useful.

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Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #13

The Bottom of the Barrel