I’m busy messing around with website backend junk, so you only get one old tweet today and it’s THE BEST TWEET EVER!
I'm going to learn to play the double guitar. What kind of double guitar should I play?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 11, 2011
Seriously, I was trying to better myself by learning something new, and I know a lot of guitar nerds, but no one could give me a good recommendation for an awesome double guitar. Sometimes I doubt the rock credentials of some of these people. JEEZ.
EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN!
Still waiting on Facebook adding "symbiotic" and "parasitic" to the relationship status options.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 22, 2011
For a while, Facebook wouldn’t allow you to list “civil union” or “domestic partnership” as your relationship status. To this day, I don’t think that they allow any type of polyamorous relation to be listed, not with more than one person listed in the partnership at least.
I had to call someone up to get them to tell a computer to do something. Why couldn't I just talk to the computer directly?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 5, 2011
My bank makes you call in for just about every little change to an account. They always try to upsell you on junk you don’t need and half the time they don’t seem to understand what it is that you’re asking for.
Who eats these individually wrapped pickles that I keep seeing in gas stations here?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 7, 2011
Is this some sort of covert drug paraphernalia thing? Sometimes it’s only a quarter pickle slice type of deal.What kind of a person goes into a gas station and buys a part of a pickle? It’s just weird.
My teeth are so clean I could eat off of them.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 12, 2011
I don’t understand people that make sure that their dishes are spotless, but don’t brush their teeth.
If I can smell your barbeque, then I'm invited to it.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 3, 2011
It’s cruel to have a delicious-smelling barbeque and not to invite poor, starving Laurels to partake in that deliciousness.
I've always wanted to go into a restaurant and say "belay that order!"
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 4, 2011
Basically, I want to go into a restaurant and be an ass, is what I’m saying here.
Million dollar idea: soup-flavoured cracker spread
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 10, 2011
What is with people that put so many cracker in their soup that it’s not really soup anymore? I think they just really want an excuse to eat crackers. My patented cracker-flavoured spread is the ultimate solution for them.
Where does "teehee" come from? It's impossible to make a "t" noise while laughing.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 21, 2011
Try and laugh while making a T noise. TRY IT.
Hhhhmmmm, a box labeled "nails, hooks and chains"… Ever seen that movie Hellraiser?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 15, 2011
Cleaning out people’s weird hoards is always fun.
Pink toilet paper is creepy.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 29, 2011
I hate coloured toilet paper. HATE IT. It’s just so wrong and icky.
That’s all for this week and junk. See you on the flipside of the downlow.
Hey, it’s that thing with the old tweets and the Jello Pudding. Heh. Heh. Heh.
Wearing full plate mail is not an invitation for strangers to attack me with a claymore.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 23, 2010
Sometimes, I wear armour because I like the way it looks on me. It’s not an invitation for every ruffian and barbarian to challenge me to to a duel. Yeah, you’ve got yourself a big enchanted mithril sword. Good for you. I don’t care. JEEZ.
What should I wear today? Jeans and a t-shirt or jeans and a t-shirt?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 17, 2010
Seriously, I only own t-shirts and jeans. I don’t like have to go through all that coordinating jazz in the morning.
Dang it! There's already a band called "De Nomolos".
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 24, 2010
I want to start a band with a stupid hipster movie reference name.
PICKLE SURPRISE!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 15, 2010
HAAAAMMMMMM…
I ate two pieces of Chicago-style pizza last night. I went into a coma and died.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 11, 2010
Chicago-style pizza is unnecessary thick. No human being should consume that much cheese in one sitting.
My new goal in life is to ride on the Chicago Holiday Train.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 10, 2010
Chicago does this crazy thing where they deck-out one of their L trains in Christmas light and other tacky decorations. It also pulls along Santa in a sleigh that’s totally open to the elements, which I don’t think is very safe.
I tracked down the Chicago Holiday Train. It… It was glorious…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 12, 2010
I did find the Chicago Holiday Train. It was actually raining that day. Poor Santa Claus was soaked.
Those weird spiral things you find in ramen are called narutomaki…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 29, 2011
Narutomaki are traditionally made up of ground-up fish…
It was like people were preparing for the apocalypse at the supermarket, except Pepsi was taking precedent over bottled water.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 1, 2011
Chicago was hit with a huge snowstorm. People in Chicago apparently think that junk food makes for good emergency supplies.
roid rage on the road
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 10, 2011
I think that I’m clever at wordplay.
Well, that all for this week. We are getting closer and closer to being caught up to the present.
Hey kids! It’s time for another Twitter Timewarp Tuesday! These come from the days my infamous Maharishi phase.
I wish that I had one of those teeth-cleaning birds.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 16, 2010
We can put bacon in mayonnaise but we can’t perfect the bird teeth cleaning technology that crocodiles have had for centuries?
My most hated type of puzzle in the Myst games is the "close the door" puzzle. Seriously, closing the door is the entire puzzle. Harumph.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 21, 2010
Seriously, you never have to close a door behind you at any other point in the game and there is nothing that indicates that this particular door is special and needs to be closed.
My favourite Myst games was Myst III: Exile, because it was the only one where the puzzles made any sense and it’s probably important to note that it was developed by Presto Studios, who also developed The Journeyman Project series (which I also loved), and not Cyan. Myst III: Exile makes me a bit sad though, because they didn’t developer Journeyman Project 4 because of it.
Is a submarine still a submarine if it's submerged in a lake?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 9, 2010
It also annoys me that Marine Dr. in Chicago runs alongside a lake.
Dandelions are more interesting than grass.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 15, 2010
I’m allergic to grass and I think that it looks horribly bland.
This anti-perspirant is "fruity" melon, not to be confused with "meaty" melon.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 18, 2010
I think it’s only necessary to call something “fruity”, if it doesn’t already have the name of an actual fruit in the title.
It's interesting that many cosmetics that display "NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS" on their packaging are made with animal ingredients.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 31, 2010
Did you know that a lot of lipsticks use ground-up fish scales to make them sparkle or shimmer?
The game is afoot.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 16, 2010
My nemesis thinks that he’s got me be, little does he know that I’ve got another trick up my sleeve.
If I had a time machine, I would go back and give the vikings horned helmets.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 17, 2010
I’m really sad that the vikings never really wore those horned helmets. If I could, I’d rearrange history to fit my preconceived visions of it.
I wish that McDonald's would bring back those cocaine spoons.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 8, 2010
Remember those weird tiny spoons that McDonalds used to have? They were supposed to be used to stir coffee, but, apparently people mostly used them to do bumps of cocaine, as they were the perfect size for it.
Where'd you get that other pipe?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 10, 2010
This my favourite quote from Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge.
Well, that’s all for this week. Maybe there will be more next week or maybe there won’t be. I like to play things fast and loose.
I was going through my Twitter archive, which meant scrolling down for, like, half an hour, because Twitter timelines can only be viewed in infinite scroll mode and not proper paginated archives like any non-crazy person would like. (I’m thinking of writing an article about how much I hate infinite scroll, one day.)
So, anyway, if I went through all that trouble scrolling, you’re going to have to relive some of my favourite old tweets with me.
Bork! Bork! Bork!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 19, 2009
This is my first ever tweet! I like Swedish Chef!
John Tesh taught me how uncool freon huffing is!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 27, 2009
I think I was listening to The John Tesh Radio Show, and he did a a public service announcement about the dangers of huffing. If you’re a kid and you’re listening to The John Tesh Radio Show, I think that huffing freon is the least of your worries.
Why don't the musketeers ever use their muskets?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 27, 2009
Sometimes, I wonder if Alexander Dumas even knew what a “musketeer” really was. Seriously, why were the three musketeers always using swords? It’s their job to use guns!
I enjoy pops of both the orange and grape varieties. What does this say about me?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 1, 2009
Yeah, that’s right, I say “pop” instead of “soda”.
I still can't believe that Dinobot is dead…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 5, 2009
They used to kill-off characters way more often in shows when I was a kid. I’d like to see them kill-off someone in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, or SheZow, or whatever all these weirdo kids are watching these days. What in the world is a “Bakugan” anyway? I hate you.
Why doesn't The Sims 3 give me the option to have mothers breastfeed their babies? These babies aren't going to get useful cyber antibodies!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 7, 2009
Seriously, The Sims, no virtual baby of mine should drink formula.
In The Sims Medieval, breastfeeding was the only option, BUT they blurred it out like it was offensive or something, bleh. I think they should have included the option for the noble sims to use a wet nurse.
How come only Captain Picard got a sweet swede jacket?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 12, 2009
Is it a rule that, when you work your way up to captain, that you’ve earned the right to look cooler than everyone else?
There is such thing as an organic toxin. Just ask a dart frog.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 24, 2009
This is probably me getting angry at some saying that synthetic things are full of “toxins”. Eat some nightshade why don’t you and then extoll the virtues of how free of “toxins” the natural world is.
Plastic surgery for hand models?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 29, 2009
Yeah, do hand models ever get plastic surgery to make their hands look younger? At what age do hand models usually get pushed out of the business?
I have copied every floppy that I have ever owned! BwahahahAHAHHAHA…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 12, 2009
It was standard procedure in our house, that when you bought a new game on floppy disk, that you made back-ups of it. An errant magnetic field could wipe-out your originals, after all.
Well, that’s all for this week’s Twitter Timewarp Tuesday. Join me next week, where we’ll relive more inane things that I’ve posted that nobody cares about.