Laurel Green

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #21

Author: Laurel Green Date: November 22nd, 2016 Time: 11:51 PM Modified: 2016-11-23T00:16:04-05:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: beverages, Canada, Jokes, Social media, Twitter Comments: 0

Sure, posting my favourite old tweets is stupid and pointless, but I’m bored, so whatever.

The net value of the universe may be nothing. Good thing we all get a cut of the gross.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 23, 2014

I DON’T KNOW HOW ECONOMICS WORKS!

Cucumber vodka was a poor choice. #alcohol
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 31, 2014

I just can’t resist weird beverages.

Cucumber vodka makes every drink a salad. #alcohol
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 31, 2014

It’s true. When mixed with orange pop, cucumber vodka tastes like a madarin salad.

Ah, old websites proudly proclaiming "valid HTML", we used to have standards.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 5, 2014

Did you know that it’s actually impossible to create a Tumblr theme that’s 100% valid html? Seriously, just the Like button itself is full of errors.

animated twerking ice cream cone gif
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 21, 2014

…what?

Let's make #butts a priority.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 22, 2014

It’s the world’s most important subject.

Basically, Scottish people are Klingons. #Outlander
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 22, 2014

My ancestors belonged to a proud warrior race.

Whistling is literally the worst thing that a human being can do.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 23, 2014

And I’m not just saying that because I can’t whistle properly.

I put vodka in some ginger ale, so, like,… It's regular ale now?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 28, 2014

I’m a regular ole mixologist and junk.

I went to the grocery store and there were no milk bags, only jugs. I don't know my own country anymore. #DarkestTimeline #Canada
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 1, 2014

Jugs take up so much room in the garbage. I hate them so much.

I may see you again. I may not. Who knows in these dark days?

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #19

Author: Laurel Green Date: January 5th, 2016 Time: 9:51 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Funny, Jokes, Stupid, Twitter Comments: 0

This is the form that my boredom takes.

My superpower is that I can get sea shanties stuck in people's heads. #nonsense
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 1, 2014

It’s revenge for having The Girl from Ipanema stuck in my head for 10 years.

Ugh. Why did I get the Twizzlers with the goo inside? #candy
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 3, 2014

Nothing is improved through the addition of goo.

People are terrified of the production logos at the end of old cartoons? Actual thing or Internet hoax? #phobias
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 6, 2014

This “scary logos” thing can’t possibly be real, can it? It just seems so stupid.

Yeah, Internet, you can try as hard as you want, but you're never going to convince me that capybaras are #cute.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 3, 2014

Icky, giant guinea pigs.

I was supposed to be getting supplies for #HurricaneArthur, but I came back with beer instead.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 4, 2014

Beer has very important nutrients in it.

Why do storms only ever have white people names? #HurricaneArthur
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 4, 2014

This probably isn’t true, but I’m not looking up all the names of all the different storms.

Dammit, the power has been knocked out already? How will my beer stay cold!? #HurricaneArthur
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

I almost died.

Chicken fingers can be breakfast too. #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 9, 2014

I live like a frat boy.

People think that they can eat ice cream and walk at the same time, but they can't. #annoyances
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 24, 2014

Tourists are the worst.

#shartnado
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 31, 2014

#carpnado
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 31, 2014

I go do other things now.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #18

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 29th, 2015 Time: 8:24 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Funny, Jokes, Pointless, Twitter Comments: 0

MOAR TWEETS

If they can put fruit into a burrito, why can't they put meat in a Pop-Tart? #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 4, 2014

Yeah, Science, get on it already.

When I was a little kid, I thought Jesus was a magical flying baby, who granted wishes and then got crucified. #GoodFriday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 19, 2014

Now, he’s my least favourite sun god.

And so it came to pass, that on the fourth day, the CLOSED sign was rolled back to reveal the store had been fully restocked. #LiquorMonday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 21, 2014

Truly, it was the holiest of days.

Was walking the dog last night, when I saw what I thought was a little lost pomeranian, but then it climbed a tree so I didn't mess with it.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 6, 2014

I don’t mess with anything that can pounce on me from above.

Wookie suits are made of human hair? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! #StarWars
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 6, 2014

Urgh. I was just imagining what that would smell like.

Whoever decided that you shouldn't be able to stick magnets to fridge doors anymore is the worst human.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 9, 2014

Where am I supposed to put my crayon drawings?

Anybody remember that Feelin Alright PSA that made binge drinking look totally sweet? I can't find it anywhere on the interbutts.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 12, 2014

I have such nostalgia for commercial breaks.

In ancient times, was being a jerk and not letting people cross a bridge, unless they solved a riddle, an actual job? #history
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 23, 2014

I want to go back in time and be the guy who leaves caches of enchanted weapons in random places.

I'm allergic to grass. I'm physiologically a nerd.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 24, 2014

You should see how much my face swells up when I mow the lawn.

Why doesn't minesweeper have a no 50/50 mode?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 30, 2014

I will sit there with my indecisiveness until the time reads “999”.

BYE!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #17

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 22nd, 2015 Time: 9:24 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Insane, Jokes, Technology, Twitter Comments: 0

Re-reading my tweets because I can never remember things that I have said before. I am always repeating myself.

I need a British person to explain the appeal of Countdown to me, because it looks like the most boring show of all time.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 10, 2014

So, it’s like Boggle, only different?

Countdown, the show where you win a teapot, but you already have a teapot because you're British.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 10, 2014

Seriously, that’s the grand prize, a stupid teapot.

I've got a great idea! Make it so that people have to move their eyes in a spirally zigzag motion to read things in chronological order!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 12, 2014

I really, really hate tessellated website layouts and I talk about it a lot.

My whole life I've wanted to suplex someone. #wrestling #silly #MachoMadness
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 19, 2014

Preferably my little brother.

My knee smells like sweet and sour pork. #Foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 1, 2014

I did it. I ate my knee. I can’t walk now.

They need to make the Puppy Academy Awards for the rest of us to watch. #Oscars
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 3, 2014

I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio would be more like to win a Puppy Academy Award.

Quick oats take longer to cook than minute oats? What kind of horrible universe is this!? #cooking
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 6, 2014

This is truly a frightening and unjust universe.

It still astounds me, every time I read about it, that there was actual mass hysteria over supposed satanic cults in the 80s.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 27, 2014

Yes, seriously, people in the US were arrested and went to jail for being accused of satanic worship in the 1980s. Most of the convictions were overturned, but there’s at least one person still in jail, I believe.

At what age will it become acceptable for me to just wear a velour tracksuit everywhere? #fashion
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 27, 2014

I want to dress like an old, lazy mafia guy.

Is it a joke? Yes, all the things are jokes, not just today, but every day. #AprilFools #Ennui
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 1, 2014

Wow. This is like philosophical, or something.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #16

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 15th, 2015 Time: 10:18 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Jokes, Twitter, weather, Web 2.0 Comments: 0

Postin’ muh twitz hur, because I donnae like Twitter’s infinite scroll.

I'm in your room touching all your stuff.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 12, 2014

Really, you can’t leave me alone at all.

Ah, the heavenly days when the brown sugar is fresh and supple, before it becomes an invulnerable adamantine brick.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 14, 2014

I need to get me some vacuum-sealed containers.

1 star – There was too much on my hands >:(
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 18, 2014

This is funnier without context.

Does an ampersand count as a word?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 20, 2014

And do an percent sign or a dollar sign?

I was walking to the store in a full-on blizzard and some lady yelled at me because I wouldn't stop and look at what her kid was doing.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 29, 2014

This was a really bizarre event. It was during the Polar Vortex and some little brat shouted something at me, which I didn’t hear because I was bundled-up in 17 layers. The next thing I know, his mom is insanely angry at me because I wouldn’t stop and watch what her little rugrat was doing. And to top it all off, the stupid kid was playing right in the middle of the street. There weren’t any cars because of all the snow, but it was kinda likely that a plow might round the corner and smush the kid.

Hand wash? Lay flat to dry? Why, this cotton tank top has delusions of grandeur!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 1, 2014

Everything goes in the washer and dryer. EVERYTHING.

They make breakfast burritos, but do they make breakfast tacos?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 1, 2014

I am not a morning person. Invent for me more lazy morning foods.

ARE YOU FOOTBALL FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2014

FOOTBALL!

Someone should come over to my house and pick all the carrots out of my bag of mixed vegetables.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2014

I am a giant child.

I don't trust Fake Wiarton Willie. #GroundhogDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2014

Remember that time Wiarton Willie died and they replaced him with an imposter. Canadian conspiracies are silly.

THAZ ALL!

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Laurel Green

This is Laurel Green's blog. She posts her nonsense here. - Page 3 of 24

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #19

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #18

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #17

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #16

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