Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #30


They were very old and unsexy people. Come to think of it… One of them may have just needed special pillows for a back problem.

And now he’s dead.

Was his last movie Independence Day 2? That’s sad.

I only care if they find life if that life happens to also be tasty.

Can you get Botox injections inside your nose?

You might think that I eat an awful lot of Halloween candy for an adult. And you’d be right.

I’ve had a certain tab open for about two years now. I can’t close it because of nostalgia.

And about a quarter of those are Wincest images.

Did you know that many teas are actually supposed to be steeped at less than 100 degrees? Also never wash your teapot.

Kids are all super fat these days, so I guess it’s not that bad that the Halloween candy is getting smaller.



May You All Fight Valiantly on Black Friday

Are you out purchasing Christmas gifts yet? Well, you should be! The survival of our entire economy and, thus, very society relies on malls having a profitable Christmas season.

And aren’t material goods just the best? You can make a person think that you care for them without showing any true affection to them with material goods. Did we mention our blowout sale on diamonds? Diamonds are always a safe bet, because you don’t have to know anything about a person’s favourite colour or personal style, if you get them a giant diamond. Sparkly sparkly. Expensive expensive.

Tired of your annoying wiener kids? Get them a tablet or a game console, so that they can self-medicate their ADHD with constant stimulation. Later, get them a Fitbit for when they start embarrassing you with their unsightly fat asses from sitting around all day.

And don’t forget to keep stuffing your faces with meat and candy. As long as you’re chewing, you don’t have to talk to your relatives. This helps preventing slip-ups where you tell people what you really think and your great aunt gets all offended and junk and then your mother bitches at you about it for the rest of eternity.

Always stop of at the dollar store for stocking stuffer doohickeys. I guarantee you that they won’t end up in the junk drawer by February.

Anyway, buy me a widescreen TV. I, actually, need one. Because I have to watch things for research and stuff. Yeah, that’s it.

Winter Solstice Foods That I Hate

  • Fruitcake
  • Cranberry Sauce
  • Cider
  • Peppermint Hot Chocolate
  • Cinnamon Added to Random Things
  • Dessert Squares of Indeterminate Origin
  • Gingerbread Houses (Really? I’m supposed to eat something that’s been sitting out and has had little kids poking at it?)
  • Holiday Editions of Snacky Cakes Filled with Red and/or Green Dye
  • Food Shaped Like Angels, Jesuses or Crosses (Stars are acceptable.)
  • Boxes of Chocolate with Cheap Bows Attached That They Charge You Extra For
  • Chinese Food That Doesn’t Come With Fortune Cookies
  • Turnips
  • Gherkins
  • Maraschino Cherries (Especially the green ones.)
  • The General Overuse of Cloves
  • Jell-O Salad with the Incorrect Fruit