Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #13

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The past has returned. The past of twitter.

I would eat a sandwich for every meal, if I could.

And, yet, I don’t feel like I’ve missed much.

I actually think that Ethan Phillips is a really good actor.

Robocop 2 where every character is played by a fluffy kitten!

Actually, I think that this is an event that happened in real life.

And we used to watch R-rated movies all the time, because I have an older brother and sister, too. But those damn wheeler bastards…

One day I’m going to go on a rant about how I think that action stars have gotten way too bulky.

Remember when the wrestling clown would fight the voodoo priest? The 90s were stupid.

What’s the polar opposite of quirky?

I need me one of those cake pop makers.

 

Well, that’s all for now. GOODBYE!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #10

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I don’t really know why I feel the need to back my tweets up here. Would Twitter ever just eat all my tweets one day? It’s probably more likely that my website would die.

And I never have anything important to say there, anyway.

I’m awful serious about the sammiches.

Carmen Miranda-ing would be way more fun to do to your enemies than glitter bombing.

It should really only be used on the armpits of teenage boys.

The Net has it forever and ever and ever.

This is one of the reasons that I don’t wear socks, unless it’s really, really cold.

We need to break the cycle and achieve cinematic nirvana!

Really. Think about it.

Well, that’s all for today.

Go do something useful.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #7

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Hey! Who wants to read some of my favourite tweets from the ancient days of yore? Nobody? Well, too bad!

It’s artificial pumpkinesque flavouring and cinnamon.

Yeah… So this one time, I bummed out Eric Idle over Twitter and then I felt really, really bad about it.

Try surviving with only off-brand tampons and hot lemon drink. See how long you live.

Yeah, hipsters, how do you respond to that?

William Shatner better never die…

Seriously, American snacky cakes are the worst. How can they even eat that crap. Give me a Jos. Louis any day, though.

Get me a Jewels in the Attic game with all the cards and in good condition, and I will be your friend for life.

I still don’t know who Johnny Mathis is.

If you sit on my lap today…

Think about it: the Home Alone series and the Saw series have a lot in common. The kid from Home Alone was obviously a sociopath, in any case.

Thanks for wasting time with me. Follow my Twitter for more stupidity, or don’t. Whatever.

I Made a Really Tasty Chicken Today

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Oh, yeah, it was the best chicken what I ever did cook. I finally got the amount of the time in the slow cooker and under the broiler right.

And you can’t have any of it.

My chicken. MINE.

I ate most of it with carrots. You can’t have any of my carrots either.

I will probably eat the rest of the chicken tomorrow in a sandwich.

I like cooking chickens and I will continue coking chickens throughout most of my life. You will not be able to stop me.

I saw a chicken that could play tic-tac-toe at the fair once. I would even cook and eat a talented chicken such as that. I do not discriminate between chickens. All will see the inside of my belly.

What’s that thing where you only eat fish? An episcopalian? I’m like that, but with poultry. Oh, just looked it up and it’s a pollotarian. The internet is great. I could have gone my whole life without earning that, but I looked it up instantly on the internet. The future is now.

I wonder if you could teach that tic-tac-toe chicken to use the internet. It would probably spend all its time looking up pictures of cloacae.

Why did the chicken cross the information superhighway?

The Donair Egg Rolls Weren’t Very Good

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People were all like, “Donair is so good! You’ve got to try the donair”.

So, I get some frozen donair egg rolls from the grocery store, and it’s like bland sliced roast beef with no sauce inside the rolls, very boring. I take it that this isn’t how donair egg rolls are really supposed to be. The egg roll part wasn’t particularly good either. I’m not sure what kind of quality i was expecting from frozen food, but I’m still disappointed.

I think that I’m mostly mad at the egg roll part not being very good. The only Chinese food place in town went out of business and every Chinese food thing that I get from the grocery store is disappointing.

I keep trying to make egg fried rice, but I’m very bad at it. My timing is always off. I can never get it fried just that perfect amount. And restaurants must be adding some special ingredient to the eggs, because mine never taste like theirs. I’ve bought some MSG in an attempt to try and make my Chinese cookery more authentic, but I have no idea how to use MSG, so that may not have been the best idea. I should probably try to find some sesame oil as well, but I don’t think that they sell any around here. I could order some online, but it’s always a crapshoot with liquids whether they arrive broken and leaking everywhere.

Maybe I could get my food helicoptered in. Is there a billionaire out there who would like to send me meals every day via helicopter? That sounds like a fun rich guy thing to do. You should do it.