Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #33

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TWIBS!

Why does my name cause people so much trouble? I mean, it’s a word in the English language, even.

Have you ever even seen Sam Rockwell and Dax Shepard in the same room? I’m not convinced that they aren’t the same person.

YouTube: where you can see absolutely everything unboxed.

I like it when it suggests the hammer and sickle. Communism is awesome.

Abe Vigoda: the only human who was 94 for 70 consecutive years.

I also swallow gum. I’m a rebel.

It reached 47°C. I died several times. I don’t think that white people belong in Tucson, especially not ones as pale as me.

One day, I will be rich to travel around in tour bus. One day.

The sign outside of O’Hare International Airport says, “We have such sights to show you.”

I ended up not killing anybody. People should really thank me for every day that I don’t end up killing them.

 

 

GLORF!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #32

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TWITZ!

According to the internet, this may not have been a meteor at all and may have been a flare that someone fired off, which just makes the event all that more bizarre. I guess someone was trying to signal for help and I didn’t come to their aid. :/

Does it still count as a fruit serving when it’s surrounded by chocolate?

The snuggle-pooch goes nuts for peas. He sits there and whines at me like he’s starving to death, until I give him my peas.

VEGETABLES ARE GOOD FOR YOU!

The Phlegmish are a very stuck-up and snotty people.

Hey, people building apartment buildings, include some sort of parcel drop-off box so that your tenants don’t constantly complain about their stupid Amazon crap getting stolen.

Mr. Falcon didn’t fly so good.

Maybe, I should have gone up and talked to him, even though I was carrying a bag of poop? People say that cute little dogs are babe-magnets, but they always fail to factor in all the poop.

Remember parity? Wasn’t that a golden age?

Are people taking bets on the date of my inevitable coronary event, yet?

 

 

BLARGH!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #31

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TWOOBS!

Granted, the “angry” thing was just a turbulent sea, but that was incredibly violent imagery for Bob Ross.

My god, the contrast was staggering.

Yeah, I don’t care if you’re turning right. Pedestrians have right of way and forcing people to jaywalk is just damned rude.

Just when you think that bagel technology has progressed just about as far as it can go, humanity makes a breakthrough that shatters the previous generation’s bagel record.

Truly, these are the bagels for the Information Age.

https://twitter.com/Laurel_Green/status/665739933009747969

He shows me that he loves me by farting and begging for cheese. Then the cheese makes him fart some more.

PETS ARE WONDERFUL!

Laurel, there are people who are starving and don’t have access to clean water, and here you are bathing in chocolate.

Fuck you, I got mine.

With style. You take the Ritz off with style.

I buy a six-pack for my ribs and a six-pack for my tummy.

Seriously, remove those fabric pills. It instantly makes a sweater less frumpy.

I sure really lay off the weird spicy spirits. For one thing, they’re always using spice to cover up that it’s a poor quality liquor and then I wake up with a headache.

 

 

SLOOOOOOORP!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #30

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TWEWBS!

They were very old and unsexy people. Come to think of it… One of them may have just needed special pillows for a back problem.

And now he’s dead.

Was his last movie Independence Day 2? That’s sad.

I only care if they find life if that life happens to also be tasty.

Can you get Botox injections inside your nose?

You might think that I eat an awful lot of Halloween candy for an adult. And you’d be right.

I’ve had a certain tab open for about two years now. I can’t close it because of nostalgia.

And about a quarter of those are Wincest images.

Did you know that many teas are actually supposed to be steeped at less than 100 degrees? Also never wash your teapot.

Kids are all super fat these days, so I guess it’s not that bad that the Halloween candy is getting smaller.

 

GRAGH!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #27

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TWOOTS?

They make Cadbury Eggs so small these days that it hardly even spoiled my diet.

…I think that this is the worst joke that I have ever made.

My dog is made out of magic… and poop.

It doesn’t have to be an animal that actually exists for my soul to identify with it. Stop fursecuting me!

We’re not even wearing a giant trench coat or anything. We’re just brazenly walking about, a tower of toddlers, and nobody seems to notice or care.

I don’t remember what this was about. Apparently, the Hamburglar was being a douche?

Alright, Laurel, you sit in the middle on the way there and your little brother will take it on the way back.

Later: Your little brother is cranky, so can you take the middle so that he doesn’t throw a tantrum?

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Why can’t he just wear down his claws on the couch like the cats?

It was my suggestion…

Now, imagine a mashup of Human Centipede with Teeth…

Really, why was the giant manchild wearing bondage gear? It’s hard to believe that that’s what he choose to wear himself.

I’m pretty sure that one of the “greens” was actually just lawn grass.

 

 

BYE BYE GOOD FRIENDS!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #25

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GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hey, it’s 1 extra pixel causing a horizontal scrollbar… I’ma gonna go shoot myself in the face.

I haven’t been able to fit a cellphone in my pocket in 10 years.

I forget what this was about, but I expected to see a green alien sticking its tongue out at me and instead I got a bunch of smug, plastic humans.

I also duel-wield celery. I’m highly proficient in vegetable combat.

Well, Time doesn’t so much as march as it flounces about haughtily, the bitch.

Do people not put ketchup on things? I used to have this shitty boyfriend who had to make a comment every time I put ketchup on something, because he thought it was weird.

I’ve been to Facebook, but I’ve never been to me.

The crust on frozen pizza never does what it’s supposed to do, but if I attempted to make my own pizza, I’d probably burn the house down.

I left that Clamato in there even after I moved out. I hope that someone has fun with it.

Half an hour. Then I needed to get more pizza.

 

MURP! GURP! DURP!