Cooking Fails

Here are some ways I have screwed up food:

  • Added cinnamon instead of chili powder to roasted tomatoes
  • Charred the outside of a hamburger while keeping the inside completely raw (a million times)
  • Had a chicken disintegrate in the slow cooker
  • Always burn things instead of caramelizing them
  • Microwaved bread
  • Burnt rice to the bottom of the pot
  • Added too much garlic to everything
  • Over-stirred various batters
  • Under-stirred various batters
  • Confused baking powder with baking soda
  • A mosquito landed in my drink and I drank it anyway
  • Stuck things to every non-stick surface
  • Set fire to some spiked coffee
  • Put things in the fridge instead of the freezer
  • Burnt my elbow
  • Got various spices in my eyes
  • Ate the cheese paper

Things That Should Exist

  • Notebooks with the Margins Always on the Outside Edge of the Pages
  • A Restaurant the Only Serves Potato Skins
  • Lettuce that Tastes Like Bacon
  • Edible Socks
  • Candy Coffee Mugs
  • Cube Shaped Taco Shells
  • Contact Lenses that Dissolve After 18 Hours in Your Eyes
  • Noise Cancelling Headphones that Only Block out the Noises of People Who You Don’t Like
  • A Glass Chair that’s Also Like a Lava Lamp or Something
  • Wearable Pizza
  • Edible LEDs
  • Hard Light
  • Knuckle Wigs
  • Ebook with Physically Turnable Pages
  • Glasses that Turn Every Image of Donald Trump into One of those Guys from They Live
  • Miniature Cows
  • A Pill that Can Get The Girl from Ipanema out of My Head
  • Gnome-Seeking Missiles
  • Infinite Monkey Simulator
  • Winking Marmosets
  • Licorice Pot Roast
  • Shrieking High Heels

Winter Solstice Foods That I Hate

  • Fruitcake
  • Cranberry Sauce
  • Cider
  • Peppermint Hot Chocolate
  • Cinnamon Added to Random Things
  • Dessert Squares of Indeterminate Origin
  • Gingerbread Houses (Really? I’m supposed to eat something that’s been sitting out and has had little kids poking at it?)
  • Holiday Editions of Snacky Cakes Filled with Red and/or Green Dye
  • Food Shaped Like Angels, Jesuses or Crosses (Stars are acceptable.)
  • Boxes of Chocolate with Cheap Bows Attached That They Charge You Extra For
  • Chinese Food That Doesn’t Come With Fortune Cookies
  • Turnips
  • Gherkins
  • Maraschino Cherries (Especially the green ones.)
  • The General Overuse of Cloves
  • Jell-O Salad with the Incorrect Fruit

Things That You Can Place in a Small Box

  • Pebbles
  • Mice
  • Screws
  • Thumbtacks
  • Ball Bearings
  • Stamps
  • Matchsticks
  • Fleas
  • Marbles
  • Bottle Caps
  • Coins
  • Nails
  • Pieces of Gum
  • Lint
  • Molecules
  • Ticks
  • Ladybugs
  • Eyelashes
  • Army Men
  • Paperclips
  • Worry Dolls
  • Sprinkles
  • Glitter
  • Dust
  • Pencil Shavings
  • Peter Dinklage
  • Pills
  • Seeds
  • Dreams
  • Teeth
  • Lentils
  • Snails
  • Pixies
  • Breath Mints
  • Knuckle Bones
  • Germs