nonsense

It’s some old tweets with a new attitude.

Nobody is allowed to wear those stupid year glasses until 2020 and then not again until 2030. You need two zeros for your eyes, buttheads.

— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 31, 2012

Actually, maybe don’t wear numbers on your face at all, jackass.

Maybe these people in this depression medication commercial wouldn't be so depressed if they stopped wearing those giant grey sweatsuits.

— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 7, 2013

They should also comb their hair and stop sitting forlornly on the stairs with their hand on their forehead.

What do they do when a kid pees in the ball pit?

— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 8, 2013

I always told little kids that there were the skeletons of children who got trapped in the ball pit at the bottom of the pit.

Do they make houses that are entirely stainless steel on the inside? That's where I want to live.

— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 12, 2013

Seriously, my dream house is one that I can just take a high-pressure steam cleaner to when I want to clean it.

I say that all pages should be forced to get pageboy haircuts.

— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 14, 2013

It would certainly make the House of Commons much more fun to watch.

Perfect temperature. Perfect silence. Perfect sleepiness. It's time now for a daydream at night.

— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 17, 2013

I shouldn’t try to be philosophical.

Crud. I've broken my Narsil. Jeeze. There are shards everywhere. Who am going to get to reforge this mess at this hour?

— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 21, 2013

It’s The Lord of the Rings joke.

Stop making sense. Start making sandwiches.

— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 25, 2013

I shouldn’t try to make jokes about The Talking Heads when I’m hungry.

Wait… The first ingredient of Twizzlers is flour. Does that mean that Twizzlers are technically pasta?

— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 3, 2013

Don’t eat Twizzlers. They’re full of crap.

Dentist with a fauxhawk.

— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 9, 2013

Well, anybody with a fauxhawk, really. It’s just unprofessional not to shave the sides.

That was fun. I don’t remember writing any of these.