Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #32

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TWITZ!

According to the internet, this may not have been a meteor at all and may have been a flare that someone fired off, which just makes the event all that more bizarre. I guess someone was trying to signal for help and I didn’t come to their aid. :/

Does it still count as a fruit serving when it’s surrounded by chocolate?

The snuggle-pooch goes nuts for peas. He sits there and whines at me like he’s starving to death, until I give him my peas.

VEGETABLES ARE GOOD FOR YOU!

The Phlegmish are a very stuck-up and snotty people.

Hey, people building apartment buildings, include some sort of parcel drop-off box so that your tenants don’t constantly complain about their stupid Amazon crap getting stolen.

Mr. Falcon didn’t fly so good.

Maybe, I should have gone up and talked to him, even though I was carrying a bag of poop? People say that cute little dogs are babe-magnets, but they always fail to factor in all the poop.

Remember parity? Wasn’t that a golden age?

Are people taking bets on the date of my inevitable coronary event, yet?

 

 

BLARGH!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #31

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TWOOBS!

Granted, the “angry” thing was just a turbulent sea, but that was incredibly violent imagery for Bob Ross.

My god, the contrast was staggering.

Yeah, I don’t care if you’re turning right. Pedestrians have right of way and forcing people to jaywalk is just damned rude.

Just when you think that bagel technology has progressed just about as far as it can go, humanity makes a breakthrough that shatters the previous generation’s bagel record.

Truly, these are the bagels for the Information Age.

https://twitter.com/Laurel_Green/status/665739933009747969

He shows me that he loves me by farting and begging for cheese. Then the cheese makes him fart some more.

PETS ARE WONDERFUL!

Laurel, there are people who are starving and don’t have access to clean water, and here you are bathing in chocolate.

Fuck you, I got mine.

With style. You take the Ritz off with style.

I buy a six-pack for my ribs and a six-pack for my tummy.

Seriously, remove those fabric pills. It instantly makes a sweater less frumpy.

I sure really lay off the weird spicy spirits. For one thing, they’re always using spice to cover up that it’s a poor quality liquor and then I wake up with a headache.

 

 

SLOOOOOOORP!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #15

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Backing up my tweets because of my paranoia about losing things forever.

It’s really very heartbreaking to watch him search all over the house for beef for hours.

Americans, always shoving things up other things’ arses.

I have no idea what I meant by this.

Something. Something. The Epiphany.

And don’t tell me to get a chicken, because turkey tastes way better than chicken.

I was buying groceries for the whole week, not just Christmas, so I don’t count here.

Ask me about my views on religion.

Greatest actor ever. I will fight you.

I’m basically a giant, lazy cat.

Stop trying to convince me that Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston are super sexy. They look like they need to be spoonfed some soup.

 

All for now. Perhaps, all for ever.

THOSE ARE MY SHOES GIVE THEM BACK YOU ARE A DOG THEY DONT EVEN FIT

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My dog thinks he’s people. Like, really thinks he’s people.

Yesterday, he waltzed into the living room and complained about how hipsters are ruining everything. This is improper behaviour for a dog. Perhaps I have trained him badly.

He only eats kale and quinoa now. He’s on a paleo diet or something. Won’t even look at his kibble. Ever seen a dog scoff at something? I think that it’s him that’s really the hipster. Hipster dogster.

He owns an investment property on the west coast and he wants to purchase a small bungalow to rent out. I have tried using the spray bottle on him to deter this behaviour to no avail.

He has a credit card. He gets drunk and buys chew toys on Amazon. If I act more dominant, do you think that he will become more respectful with his purchases? I really want to be a pack leader.

I think that he’s doing drugs. Is he lashing out because he’s not stimulated enough? Maybe I need to take him for walkies more often, so that he can get enough exercise to not need to self-medicate.

He complains that I don’t respect his personal space. Ha! This is coming from the guy who will sit right next to my feet and lick his balls for an hour. Lousy hypocritical dog.

He says that he wants to take a year off of school to backpack around Europe and find himself. Duder can’t even find his own tail.

Conversations With My Dog

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I talk to my dog a lot…

a drawing of laurel's shih tzu dog
Tibet wouldn’t stay still, so this colouration is all wrong.

Interrogations 

  • Why do you have a moustache?
  • Who said you could be a dog?
  • What is your tail even for?
  • What’s with all of these feets?
  • Who is this guy even supposed to be?
  • Why is your face so squishy?
  • Why are you so tiny?
  • Why are you so cute?
  • Why don’t you wear pants?

Accusations

  • You’re just a moustache with a dog attached!
  • You don’t even know what your butt is for!
  • You don’t even know that you’re a dog!
  • You’re just a miniature-sized bear-beast pretending to be a dog!
  • You have a severe moustache disorder!
  • You’re ridiculous!
  • You just sit around in your pyjamas all day!
  • You’re not a real dog!
  • This guy is just a guy!
  • You don’t have the proper license to be a dog!

Proclamations

  • You’re the world’s most fuzziest guys!
  • You’re the smallest guy that ever lived!
  • You have a moustache!
  • You’re tiny!
  • You’re a bear!
  • You’re my best guys!
  • I’m going to eat you!

And, of course, he just stares back at me with a confused look on his face…

…But that’s how humans also respond to me sooooooo…

Names You Can Call My Dog

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His given name is Tibet, but, as he has travelled throughout this great land setting right what once went wrong, my dog has picked up many nicknames.

a drawing of laurel's shih tzu dog
Tibet wouldn’t stay still, so this colouration is all wrong.

Here are some names my legendary dog goes by:

  • Snorf Snarf
  • The Poopster
  • The Floofster
  • The Woofster
  • The Poopmeister General
  • Mr. Dogs
  • Mr. Dog Pants
  • Mr. Poop Dogs
  • Dogly Dogovitch
  • Mr. Moustache Man
  • Mr. Moustache Pants
  • Mr. Mustard Sausage
  • Mr. Sausage Pants
  • Pork Chop Pants
  • The Dog Bear
  • Mr. Bears
  • Dogtonio Banderas
  • The Floofetty Fluff
  • The Floof-Dog
  • The Goof-Dog
  • Scoobs
  • The Butt
  • Tiny