snake oil

This Energy Drink is Doing Nothing for Me

Author: Laurel Green Date: November 3rd, 2014 Time: 11:28 PM Category: Personal Tags: Artsy Fantasy, beverages, NaBloPoMo 2014, Pretentious, snake oil Comments: 0

I drank all 473 mL of this energy drink jazz and I ain’t got any more energy than I had a few minutes ago.

I think this might be a crock.

What are taurine and guarana anyway?

So very, very tired. Woke up at 6AM, don’t ya know.

Maybe I should just take up drinking coffee. Buy me some $10 dirty boot water from the Starbucks.

I wish that I was capable of photosynthesis. Wouldn’t help me much right now, seeing as it’s night and all. I could get a sun lamp though.

I bought some energy gum one time at a gas station in the United States. It gave me a rapid heart beat. It also tasted horrible. You can buy a lot of weird stuff in gas stations.

Sleepy.

I hear that trepanation can give you more energy. I should try that. Where’s my drill?

I rest my eyes and then it will be all over.

I dreamt about two giant red beetles creaking all over my room the other night. I hope that doesn’t happen again.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #6

Author: Laurel Green Date: July 23rd, 2013 Time: 11:07 PM Modified: 2014-12-16T15:02:39-05:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: balls, Canada, Online Communities, plastic surgery, professional poker player, snake oil, Social Networking, Twitter, wiarton willie Comments: 0

BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. TWITTER. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.

They told me not to try it at home, so I tried it at work.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 13, 2011

There’s always a loophole.

People say, "Curiosity killed the cat." But, if that were true, wouldn't the "curious" trait have been bred out of cats by now?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 13, 2011

Ergo, curiosity is a good thing for cats to have.

What do they do if a kid pees in the ball pit?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 15, 2011

Seriously, do they have to take all the balls out and hose everything down? Or, do they just let the pee settle to the bottom of the pit and hope that everything dries off eventually?

Should professional poker players be allowed to use Botox?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 6, 2011

Jennifer Tilly is a poker player and I’m pretty sure that she’s been Botoxed to Hell and back. Her face is frozen, so she doesn’t have to make any effort to maintain a poker face. Why isn’t Botox considered a performance enhancing drug in poker? Also, you shouldn’t be allowed to get plastic surgery on your face and be a professional poker player.

Dividing by zero is not nearly as bad as dividing by negative zero.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 12, 2011

Heh. Math jokes.

I don't understand moisturizer for normal skin. If your skin is already normal, what do you need a moisturizer for? Do you want damp skin?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 16, 2012

If you want your skin to look nice into your old age, just quit futzing around with it so much.

They need to make it illegal to remove the kitchen scissors from the kitchen.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 19, 2012

I have freezies that need opening consarnit!

It's not even the real Wiarton Willie. IT'S A FAKE WILLIE!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2012

Seriously, Canada had a conspiracy where our weather predicting groundhog, Wiarton Willie, was replaced with an impostor. They call the new groundhog “Wee Willie”. Canada is fun.

I wonder what the properties of literal snake oil are? I bet it's good to cook with or something. All this delicious snake oil is wasted.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 25, 2012

I bet snake oil is more effective than homeopathy.

My morose parrot only knows the word "why".
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 7, 2012

Heh. Depressed animal jokes.

BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. NEXT WEEK. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.

Breadcrumbs: Home → snake oil

Laurel Green →

This is Laurel Green's blog. She posts her nonsense here.

This Energy Drink is Doing Nothing for Me

The Bottom of the Barrel