Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #27

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TWOOTS?

They make Cadbury Eggs so small these days that it hardly even spoiled my diet.

…I think that this is the worst joke that I have ever made.

My dog is made out of magic… and poop.

It doesn’t have to be an animal that actually exists for my soul to identify with it. Stop fursecuting me!

We’re not even wearing a giant trench coat or anything. We’re just brazenly walking about, a tower of toddlers, and nobody seems to notice or care.

I don’t remember what this was about. Apparently, the Hamburglar was being a douche?

Alright, Laurel, you sit in the middle on the way there and your little brother will take it on the way back.

Later: Your little brother is cranky, so can you take the middle so that he doesn’t throw a tantrum?

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Why can’t he just wear down his claws on the couch like the cats?

It was my suggestion…

Now, imagine a mashup of Human Centipede with Teeth…

Really, why was the giant manchild wearing bondage gear? It’s hard to believe that that’s what he choose to wear himself.

I’m pretty sure that one of the “greens” was actually just lawn grass.

 

 

BYE BYE GOOD FRIENDS!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #22

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Nobody tweets like me. Nobody.

This is the type of thing I think is clever when I have a head cold.

Just when you think that the world has hit peak hipster…

I have fixed-gear rollerblades.

Oh, you don’t like it when people are out late, officer? Well, the dog has to pee when the dog has to pee.

Christmas is even creepier, though. Santa, snowmen and reindeer on a drought-ravaged lawn is just eerie.

You should see my guns.

You know Laurel, when most people go crazy, they do something fun like chew someone’s face off. You just do things like stick a div inside a div inside a div inside a div…

And then they did it again on two other separate occasions. So, basically, someone was puking in front of my house on purpose. I heard them once at about 4AM. I considered calling the police, but they would probably be long gone by the time the police showed up and what would you even charge them with?

And since it was winter, it froze and stayed there for weeks. Judging by how pink it was, this person was eating a lot of shrimp.

This is a story you needed to hear.

German compound words are fun!

I’m a lovely human being.

 

 

And now to return to my lair!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #21

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Sure, posting my favourite old tweets is stupid and pointless, but I’m bored, so whatever.

I DON’T KNOW HOW ECONOMICS WORKS!

I just can’t resist weird beverages.

It’s true. When mixed with orange pop, cucumber vodka tastes like a madarin salad.

Did you know that it’s actually impossible to create a Tumblr theme that’s 100% valid html? Seriously, just the Like button itself is full of errors.

…what?

It’s the world’s most important subject.

My ancestors belonged to a proud warrior race.

And I’m not just saying that because I can’t whistle properly.

I’m a regular ole mixologist and junk.

Jugs take up so much room in the garbage. I hate them so much.

 

 

I may see you again. I may not. Who knows in these dark days?

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #20

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My tweets are inane? Your butt is inane.

Maybe it belongs to the tree. It’s the tree’s house. The tree has to invite the vampire in.

A-BOAT

Preferably teenagers 16 or over, so I don’t get in trouble.

The dog is into hair metal.

Digital cameras are racist against me.

It’s the “Do Your Homework and Stay in School” challenge!

I have no idea what this was about. If you know what this was about, please contact me.

Just drink out of a normal glass. It doesn’t have to be a “space” glass.

I am not a morning person.

Yep. That’s pretty much what I do all day.

 

 

I must away! So long! Farewell!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #15

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Backing up my tweets because of my paranoia about losing things forever.

It’s really very heartbreaking to watch him search all over the house for beef for hours.

Americans, always shoving things up other things’ arses.

I have no idea what I meant by this.

Something. Something. The Epiphany.

And don’t tell me to get a chicken, because turkey tastes way better than chicken.

I was buying groceries for the whole week, not just Christmas, so I don’t count here.

Ask me about my views on religion.

Greatest actor ever. I will fight you.

I’m basically a giant, lazy cat.

Stop trying to convince me that Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston are super sexy. They look like they need to be spoonfed some soup.

 

All for now. Perhaps, all for ever.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #14

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I like backing up my tweets here, because my website is way less annoying that Twitter. Infinite scroll my ass.

I’m still pissed off about this. Tweetdeck was my favourite Twitter app. It was lightweight, fast and it didn’t have any stupid nonsense like sponsored posts. The only app I get madder about is the death of Google Reader.

Seriously, it can’t be sanitary to be wiping something imbued with rotten meat chunks all over a cup.

Then again, I can’t understand many southern American accents.

Does everyone’s mom count as a monster?

Just stop putting rotten fruit in everything. It just makes things horrible.

Comic Serif does exist. I have gazed upon its hideousness.

Enjoy your forever sleep, kiddoes.

Can somebody for the 80s please explain this to me? Trapper Keepers just seem to over-complicate everything.

I picked the spoon up and the bowl came with it.

If you know what this is a reference to, you win one entire internet.

 

Done for now.