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Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #12

Author: Laurel Green Date: September 8th, 2015 Time: 9:10 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Jeff Goldblum, Jokes, Social media, Twitter Comments: 0

Twitter.

I just spent several hours trimming 6.5kb off of a style sheet.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 14, 2013

Making my website load that itty-bitty fraction of a second faster was well worth the trouble.

You're either a princess or a witch.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 15, 2013

Or sometimes you’re a fairy, I guess.

One of these days, I'm gong to give names to the half-billion text documents on my desktop. One of these days…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 17, 2013

New Text Document has about a thousand identical twin brothers.

There's nothing that says that once you've sold your soul that you can't one day buy it back.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 21, 2013

The Devil runs a pawnshop.

Ugh. Jeff Goldblum is such a weirdo.
WHY WON'T HE MARRY ME!?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 29, 2013

I don’t have an unhealthy obsession with Jeff Goldblum. Obsessing over Jeff Goldblum is the healthiest thing that a human can do.

When your back is against the wall and things seem their darkest, just remember: there are still delicious sandwiches in this world.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 1, 2013

The Darkest Timeline has no sandwiches.

When you've got "The Girl from Ipanema" perpetually stuck in your head, is it a curse from a leprechaun or a voodoo priestess?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 3, 2013

Seriously, it’s stuck in my head at this very moment.

I'm going to become a superhero named "The Scowl". I will have a giant red S on my cowl.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 7, 2013

Wow. It’s like a visual pun or something.

I wish to cause grievous bodily harm to the person that invented window wells.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 11, 2013

Window wells: because you like to watch as your basement gets flooded.

What's something that I can make for breakfast that I can put ketchup on?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 13, 2013

The answer is: eggs.

ALL FOR NOW.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #11

Author: Laurel Green Date: August 11th, 2015 Time: 11:25 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Funny, Jokes, Social media, Twitter, Writing Comments: 0

Twit to the twat. Tweeter to the twoot.

He's my Tony Danza, a Danza for money, do what I boss him to do…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 24, 2013

All I remember about Who’s the Boss is that it is a thing that existed.

By day I volunteer my time at the youth centre and by night I play in a sweet new wave group.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 28, 2013

And the rich kids are always trying to ruin our fun.

I told Jesus an off-colour joke and he was unamused. I was all like "Hey, I'm just trying to get a RISE out of you!"
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 29, 2013

Is this funny? I don’t understand religion.

April Fool's! I've actually just been an ambulatory sammich this whole time!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 1, 2013

I’m always full of cold cuts, in any case.

I'm going to learn to play guitar on a double guitar. My theory is if I can play a double guitar good, I'll play a single guitar great.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 2, 2013

The only instrument that I know how to play is the clarinet… badly.

The love that speaks its name and only its name, all the time, like it's done sort of Pokémon or something.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 3, 2013

MR. MIME

Well, it took nine years of intense practice, but I can now finally play the hambone.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 9, 2013

Next, I’m going to learn the mouth trumpet.

Oh no! I've pulled my hamstring! My illustrious career as a hamboner has ended just as it began!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 10, 2013

I need a bacon infusion.

You. You know who you are.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 12, 2013

Well. You do.

Are those astronaut pants? Because your butt looks like it's atrophied from being in a zero G environment.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 13, 2013

Do they have pancakes in space?

GRAGH! ARGH! GRRRRRRR!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #10

Author: Laurel Green Date: August 4th, 2015 Time: 9:35 AM Modified: 2015-07-29T04:44:03-04:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, inane, Online Communities, Social media, Web 2.0 Comments: 0

I don’t really know why I feel the need to back my tweets up here. Would Twitter ever just eat all my tweets one day? It’s probably more likely that my website would die.

And I never have anything important to say there, anyway.

Make a sammich by myself with my own two hands? What is this, the dark ages?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 22, 2013

They promised us that if we won World War II, that robots would be making our sammiches by now.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 22, 2013

Our youth are being forced into horrible conditions making sammiches round the clock to pay off our debt to China. This is not my America!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 22, 2013

And the award for best sammich in my belly goes to ham & havarti. Accepting on their behalf is diet cola.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 25, 2013

I’m awful serious about the sammiches.

I can't believe that Edible Arrangements doesn't make fruit hats.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 1, 2013

Carmen Miranda-ing would be way more fun to do to your enemies than glitter bombing.

I find that using Irish Spring as a hand soap is disconcerting.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 6, 2013

It should really only be used on the armpits of teenage boys.

Ugh. I wonder if there is a way to remove something that I posted on Usenet twenty years ago?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 14, 2013

The Net has it forever and ever and ever.

My socks keep flipping heel side up :'(
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 18, 2013

This is one of the reasons that I don’t wear socks, unless it’s really, really cold.

I cite all of these reboots, remakes and reimaginings as evidence that we're trapped in a karmic loop.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 22, 2013

We need to break the cycle and achieve cinematic nirvana!

Tables can have legs and feet but they never have ankles.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 23, 2013

Really. Think about it.

Well, that’s all for today.

Go do something useful.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #9

Author: Laurel Green Date: June 2nd, 2015 Time: 11:36 AM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Jokes, Social media, Social Networking, Stupid, Twitter Comments: 0

Yay! Stupid Twitter now doesn’t show all tweets when you d an advance search. Gee, I really love it when algorithms decide what I want to see for me.

Bleh. Back to the “scroll down for forever” method of finding old tweets, then.

The pope is out of mana?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 11, 2013

See, this joke works on two levels: mana is your magical energy in a video game and it’s also the name of the special food that God gave the Israelites to sustain them on their journey.

I'm upset that Escape From Planet Earth isn't a Kurt Russell movie.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 12, 2013

It’s the only place he hasn’t escaped from yet.

I think I just inhaled a moth. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO!?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 19, 2013

Things need to stop invading my orifices.

Twerking hard or hardly twerking?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 19, 2013

Remember when twerking was a thing?

Longshoremen and shortshoremen, high seas and low seas, there's no middling on this boat.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 20, 2013

Nautical jokes. You inlanders just wouldn’t understand…

One of the benefits of being a nerd: having never really participated in sports, unlike a lot of people, *my* knees work perfectly.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 20, 2013

Ha! Take that, you stupid jocks!

Satan give me strength.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 20, 2013

The Devil worships me.

I didn't choose the thug life. The thug life chose the prince and I'm a pauper. We switched lives.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 21, 2013

Mark Twain is now rolling in his grave.

What would happen if I put Baconnaise on these Bacon Dippers?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 21, 2013

I’m always trying to collapse the universe.

I'm starting a gang. We're going to pour whitewash down the pants of this whole stinking town.
Chowderheads need not apply.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 22, 2013

In care you youngins don’t know, this is referring to The Three Stooges.

Well, that’s does it for today. Follow my Twitter, or don’t. Whatever.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #8

Author: Laurel Green Date: April 21st, 2015 Time: 10:18 PM Modified: 2015-06-02T09:50:33-04:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Jokes, nonsense, Social media, Twitter, Web 2.0 Comments: 0

It’s some old tweets with a new attitude.

Nobody is allowed to wear those stupid year glasses until 2020 and then not again until 2030. You need two zeros for your eyes, buttheads.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 31, 2012

Actually, maybe don’t wear numbers on your face at all, jackass.

Maybe these people in this depression medication commercial wouldn't be so depressed if they stopped wearing those giant grey sweatsuits.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 7, 2013

They should also comb their hair and stop sitting forlornly on the stairs with their hand on their forehead.

What do they do when a kid pees in the ball pit?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 8, 2013

I always told little kids that there were the skeletons of children who got trapped in the ball pit at the bottom of the pit.

Do they make houses that are entirely stainless steel on the inside? That's where I want to live.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 12, 2013

Seriously, my dream house is one that I can just take a high-pressure steam cleaner to when I want to clean it.

I say that all pages should be forced to get pageboy haircuts.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 14, 2013

It would certainly make the House of Commons much more fun to watch.

Perfect temperature. Perfect silence. Perfect sleepiness. It's time now for a daydream at night.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 17, 2013

I shouldn’t try to be philosophical.

Crud. I've broken my Narsil. Jeeze. There are shards everywhere. Who am going to get to reforge this mess at this hour?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 21, 2013

It’s The Lord of the Rings joke.

Stop making sense. Start making sandwiches.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 25, 2013

I shouldn’t try to make jokes about The Talking Heads when I’m hungry.

Wait… The first ingredient of Twizzlers is flour. Does that mean that Twizzlers are technically pasta?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 3, 2013

Don’t eat Twizzlers. They’re full of crap.

Dentist with a fauxhawk.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 9, 2013

Well, anybody with a fauxhawk, really. It’s just unprofessional not to shave the sides.

That was fun. I don’t remember writing any of these.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #7

Author: Laurel Green Date: March 10th, 2015 Time: 11:54 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Eric Idle, inane, Johnny Mathis, Social media, William Shatner Comments: 0

Hey! Who wants to read some of my favourite tweets from the ancient days of yore? Nobody? Well, too bad!

There's no such thing as "pumpkin spice". It's pumpkin and a spice. A spice cannot be derived from a pumpkin.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 10, 2012

It’s artificial pumpkinesque flavouring and cinnamon.

@Laurel_Green You and two others….
— Eric Idle (@EricIdle) October 15, 2012

Yeah… So this one time, I bummed out Eric Idle over Twitter and then I felt really, really bad about it.

There's a Neocitran shortage. This is almost as bad as the tampon shortage. There's a worldwide conspiracy to kill me.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 20, 2012

Try surviving with only off-brand tampons and hot lemon drink. See how long you live.

When you say "I liked it before it was cool" that means you liked something that wasn't cool. Why would you like things that aren't cool?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 5, 2012

Yeah, hipsters, how do you respond to that?

I wish that I was @WilliamShatner. He gets to have all the fun.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 8, 2012

William Shatner better never die…

I've only ever eaten a Twinkie, like, twice in my entire life. Vachon cakes beat Hostess cakes any day of the week anyway.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 16, 2012

Seriously, American snacky cakes are the worst. How can they even eat that crap. Give me a Jos. Louis any day, though.

It's that time of year where I ask for a Jewels in the Attic game with all the cards again. Lousy boardgames going out of print.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 12, 2012

Get me a Jewels in the Attic game with all the cards and in good condition, and I will be your friend for life.

What is a "Johnny Mathis", and why are the people in my house arguing about it?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 14, 2012

I still don’t know who Johnny Mathis is.

The Burgermeister Meisterburger has been kidnapped by Kringles.
Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the Burgermeister Meisterburger?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 17, 2012

If you sit on my lap today…

Kevin McCallister grows up to become that Saw guy, right?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 23, 2012

Think about it: the Home Alone series and the Saw series have a lot in common. The kid from Home Alone was obviously a sociopath, in any case.

Thanks for wasting time with me. Follow my Twitter for more stupidity, or don’t. Whatever.

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