Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #9

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Yay! Stupid Twitter now doesn’t show all tweets when you d an advance search. Gee, I really love it when algorithms decide what I want to see for me.

Bleh. Back to the “scroll down for forever” method of finding old tweets, then.

See, this joke works on two levels: mana is your magical energy in a video game and it’s also the name of the special food that God gave the Israelites to sustain them on their journey.

It’s the only place he hasn’t escaped from yet.

Things need to stop invading my orifices.

Remember when twerking was a thing?

Nautical jokes. You inlanders just wouldn’t understand…

Ha! Take that, you stupid jocks!

The Devil worships me.

Mark Twain is now rolling in his grave.

I’m always trying to collapse the universe.

In care you youngins don’t know, this is referring to The Three Stooges.

Well, that’s does it for today. Follow my Twitter, or don’t. Whatever.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #6

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BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. TWITTER. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.

There’s always a loophole.

Ergo, curiosity is a good thing for cats to have.

Seriously, do they have to take all the balls out and hose everything down? Or, do they just let the pee settle to the bottom of the pit and hope that everything dries off eventually?

Jennifer Tilly is a poker player and I’m pretty sure that she’s been Botoxed to Hell and back. Her face is frozen, so she doesn’t have to make any effort to maintain a poker face. Why isn’t Botox considered a performance enhancing drug in poker? Also, you shouldn’t be allowed to get plastic surgery on your face and be a professional poker player.

Heh. Math jokes.

If you want your skin to look nice into your old age, just quit futzing around with it so much.

I have freezies that need opening consarnit!

Seriously, Canada had a conspiracy where our weather predicting groundhog, Wiarton Willie, was replaced with an impostor. They call the new groundhog “Wee Willie”. Canada is fun.

I bet snake oil is more effective than homeopathy.

Heh. Depressed animal jokes.

BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. NEXT WEEK. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #5

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I’m busy messing around with website backend junk, so you only get one old tweet today and it’s THE BEST TWEET EVER!

Seriously, I was trying to better myself by learning something new, and I know a lot of guitar nerds, but no one could give me a good recommendation for an awesome double guitar. Sometimes I doubt the rock credentials of some of these people. JEEZ.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #4

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EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN!

For a while, Facebook wouldn’t allow you to list “civil union” or “domestic partnership” as your relationship status. To this day, I don’t think that they allow any type of polyamorous relation to be listed, not with more than one person listed in the partnership at least.

My bank makes you call in for just about every little change to an account. They always try to upsell you on junk you don’t need and half the time they don’t seem to understand what it is that you’re asking for.

Is this some sort of covert drug paraphernalia thing? Sometimes it’s only a quarter pickle slice type of deal.What kind of a person goes into a gas station and buys a part of a pickle? It’s just weird.

I don’t understand people that make sure that their dishes are spotless, but don’t brush their teeth.

It’s cruel to have a delicious-smelling barbeque and not to invite poor, starving Laurels to partake in that deliciousness.

Basically, I want to go into a restaurant and be an ass, is what I’m saying here.

What is with people that put so many cracker in their soup that it’s not really soup anymore? I think they just really want an excuse to eat crackers. My patented cracker-flavoured spread is the ultimate solution for them.

Try and laugh while making a T noise. TRY IT.

Cleaning out people’s weird hoards is always fun.

I hate coloured toilet paper. HATE IT. It’s just so wrong and icky.

 

That’s all for this week and junk. See you on the flipside of the downlow.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #3

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Hey, it’s that thing with the old tweets and the Jello Pudding. Heh. Heh. Heh.

Sometimes, I wear armour because I like the way it looks on me. It’s not an invitation for every ruffian and barbarian to challenge me to to a duel. Yeah, you’ve got yourself a big enchanted mithril sword. Good for you. I don’t care. JEEZ.

Seriously, I only own t-shirts and jeans. I don’t like have to go through all that coordinating jazz in the morning.

I want to start a band with a stupid hipster movie reference name.

HAAAAMMMMMM…

Chicago-style pizza is unnecessary thick. No human being should consume that much cheese in one sitting.

Chicago does this crazy thing where they deck-out one of their L trains in Christmas light and other tacky decorations. It also pulls along Santa in a sleigh that’s totally open to the elements, which I don’t think is very safe.

I did find the Chicago Holiday Train. It was actually raining that day. Poor Santa Claus was soaked.

Narutomaki are traditionally made up of ground-up fish…

Chicago was hit with a huge snowstorm. People in Chicago apparently think that junk food makes for good emergency supplies.

I think that I’m clever at wordplay.

Well, that all for this week. We are getting closer and closer to being caught up to the present.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #1

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I was going through my Twitter archive, which meant scrolling down for, like, half an hour, because Twitter timelines can only be viewed in infinite scroll mode and not proper paginated archives like any non-crazy person would like. (I’m thinking of writing an article about how much I hate infinite scroll, one day.)

So, anyway, if I went through all that trouble scrolling, you’re going to have to relive some of my favourite old tweets with me.

This is my first ever tweet! I like Swedish Chef!

I think I was listening to The John Tesh Radio Show, and he did a a public service announcement about the dangers of huffing. If you’re a kid and you’re listening to The John Tesh Radio Show, I think that huffing freon is the least of your worries.

Sometimes, I wonder if Alexander Dumas even knew what a “musketeer” really was. Seriously, why were the three musketeers always using swords? It’s their job to use guns!

Yeah, that’s right, I say “pop” instead of “soda”.

They used to kill-off characters way more often in shows when I was a kid. I’d like to see them kill-off someone in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, or SheZow, or whatever all these weirdo kids are watching these days. What in the world is a “Bakugan” anyway? I hate you.

Seriously, The Sims, no virtual baby of mine should drink formula.

In The Sims Medieval, breastfeeding was the only option, BUT they blurred it out like it was offensive or something, bleh. I think they should have included the option for the noble sims to use a wet nurse.

Is it a rule that, when you work your way up to captain, that you’ve earned the right to look cooler than everyone else?

This is probably me getting angry at some saying that synthetic things are full of “toxins”. Eat some nightshade why don’t you and then extoll the virtues of how free of “toxins” the natural world is.

Yeah, do hand models ever get plastic surgery to make their hands look younger? At what age do hand models usually get pushed out of the business?

It was standard procedure in our house, that when you bought a new game on floppy disk, that you made back-ups of it. An errant magnetic field could wipe-out your originals, after all.

Well, that’s all for this week’s Twitter Timewarp Tuesday. Join me next week, where we’ll relive more inane things that I’ve posted that nobody cares about.