Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #19

This is the form that my boredom takes.

It’s revenge for having The Girl from Ipanema stuck in my head for 10 years.

Nothing is improved through the addition of goo.

This “scary logos” thing can’t possibly be real, can it? It just seems so stupid.

Icky, giant guinea pigs.

Beer has very important nutrients in it.

This probably isn’t true, but I’m not looking up all the names of all the different storms.

I almost died.

I live like a frat boy.

Tourists are the worst.

 

 

I go do other things now.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #9

Yay! Stupid Twitter now doesn’t show all tweets when you d an advance search. Gee, I really love it when algorithms decide what I want to see for me.

Bleh. Back to the “scroll down for forever” method of finding old tweets, then.

See, this joke works on two levels: mana is your magical energy in a video game and it’s also the name of the special food that God gave the Israelites to sustain them on their journey.

It’s the only place he hasn’t escaped from yet.

Things need to stop invading my orifices.

Remember when twerking was a thing?

Nautical jokes. You inlanders just wouldn’t understand…

Ha! Take that, you stupid jocks!

The Devil worships me.

Mark Twain is now rolling in his grave.

I’m always trying to collapse the universe.

In care you youngins don’t know, this is referring to The Three Stooges.

Well, that’s does it for today. Follow my Twitter, or don’t. Whatever.

Why I Don’t Wanna Write

  • I’m Lazy
  • Y’all Ain’t Paying Me Anything
  • They’re Watching Me
  • My Fingers Are Broken
  • I’ve Outsourced My Writing to India
  • Everything that Can be Said has Been Said
  • I Only Know Unspeakable Words
  • Packets Keep Being Lost
  • In Too Busy Saving the world
  • The World is About to End
  • Writing is Dead
  • There are Gremlins in the Machine
  • I Can’t Find a Pen
  • Shia LaBeouf Keeps Plagiarising Me
  • All Week be Destroyed by the Passage of Time
  • Why Write when I Can Dance?
  • I’m Too Busy Eating
  • You Don’t Have to Write a Script Before You Start Shooting the Film Nowadays
  • I’ve Decided to Start Communicating Via Telepathy
  • Only the Squirrels Really Understand Me
  • You can Already Read My Mind
  • My Ghostwriter has been Ressurected
  • Nobody has an Attention Span Anymore

Gnomes I Have Met

  • Shorty Dewbubble King of the Eastern Field Mice
  • Grathport Shamberdert Champion of the Acorn Knights
  • Ariana Finepebble Princess Elect of the Amphibious Pipsqueaks
  • Nathan of the Fairpetals
  • Chodesworth Cobblespurt the Butt-Gnome
  • Ivy Wallcrawler the Wall-Gnome
  • Seline the Crawlspace Dweller
  • Peter Dinklage
  • Thumbhigh Johnson
  • George the Pea
  • Lily the Orifice Spelunker
  • Teeny Tina
  • Jane Caterpillar Rider
  • Beans McMinuscule
  • Mighty Mite
  • Pinky Who Lives in My Teapot
  • Jenny the Slight
  • Pocket Weasel
  • Smallie Bigs

Things They Should Make Movies About

  • Brian Pepper’s Life Story
  • The Jos. Louis Story
  • Journey to the Centre of the Tootsie Roll Pop
  • Macho Man Randy Savage Saves Guy Fawkes Day
  • A Movie About the Ferengi from Star Trek
  • A Movie About Barclay from Star Trek
  • A Movie About Barkley from Sesame Street
  • Sam Rockwell and Dax Shepard Team Up to Confuse Me
  • That Damn Sequel to The Dark Crystal
  • A Musical About Squirrel Girl
  • Jeff Goldblum and Christopher Walken Drop Acid
  • MC Hammer VS Army of Darkness
  • Kittens that are Murderers

I Made a Really Tasty Chicken Today

Oh, yeah, it was the best chicken what I ever did cook. I finally got the amount of the time in the slow cooker and under the broiler right.

And you can’t have any of it.

My chicken. MINE.

I ate most of it with carrots. You can’t have any of my carrots either.

I will probably eat the rest of the chicken tomorrow in a sandwich.

I like cooking chickens and I will continue coking chickens throughout most of my life. You will not be able to stop me.

I saw a chicken that could play tic-tac-toe at the fair once. I would even cook and eat a talented chicken such as that. I do not discriminate between chickens. All will see the inside of my belly.

What’s that thing where you only eat fish? An episcopalian? I’m like that, but with poultry. Oh, just looked it up and it’s a pollotarian. The internet is great. I could have gone my whole life without earning that, but I looked it up instantly on the internet. The future is now.

I wonder if you could teach that tic-tac-toe chicken to use the internet. It would probably spend all its time looking up pictures of cloacae.

Why did the chicken cross the information superhighway?

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