Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #31

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TWOOBS!

Granted, the “angry” thing was just a turbulent sea, but that was incredibly violent imagery for Bob Ross.

My god, the contrast was staggering.

Yeah, I don’t care if you’re turning right. Pedestrians have right of way and forcing people to jaywalk is just damned rude.

Just when you think that bagel technology has progressed just about as far as it can go, humanity makes a breakthrough that shatters the previous generation’s bagel record.

Truly, these are the bagels for the Information Age.

https://twitter.com/Laurel_Green/status/665739933009747969

He shows me that he loves me by farting and begging for cheese. Then the cheese makes him fart some more.

PETS ARE WONDERFUL!

Laurel, there are people who are starving and don’t have access to clean water, and here you are bathing in chocolate.

Fuck you, I got mine.

With style. You take the Ritz off with style.

I buy a six-pack for my ribs and a six-pack for my tummy.

Seriously, remove those fabric pills. It instantly makes a sweater less frumpy.

I sure really lay off the weird spicy spirits. For one thing, they’re always using spice to cover up that it’s a poor quality liquor and then I wake up with a headache.

 

 

SLOOOOOOORP!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #25

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GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hey, it’s 1 extra pixel causing a horizontal scrollbar… I’ma gonna go shoot myself in the face.

I haven’t been able to fit a cellphone in my pocket in 10 years.

I forget what this was about, but I expected to see a green alien sticking its tongue out at me and instead I got a bunch of smug, plastic humans.

I also duel-wield celery. I’m highly proficient in vegetable combat.

Well, Time doesn’t so much as march as it flounces about haughtily, the bitch.

Do people not put ketchup on things? I used to have this shitty boyfriend who had to make a comment every time I put ketchup on something, because he thought it was weird.

I’ve been to Facebook, but I’ve never been to me.

The crust on frozen pizza never does what it’s supposed to do, but if I attempted to make my own pizza, I’d probably burn the house down.

I left that Clamato in there even after I moved out. I hope that someone has fun with it.

Half an hour. Then I needed to get more pizza.

 

MURP! GURP! DURP!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #24

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I’ma keep doing this until you like it.

Can someone tell me how the Hell Friendster metamorphosized into an Asian gaming website?

It’s only $0.88.

Lousy Polar Vortex…

I should have just paid for a plow or some neighbour kid to take care of it.

The snowbank was about 6 feet high. I was worried he was going to break his neck.

It Canada, our celebrity albino groundhog died unexpectedly just before Groundhog day, so they tried to pass an new groundhog off as the old one, but people could tell the difference. It was quite the controversy. Canada is adorable.

My grandfather had his first heart attack in his 30s. I probably shouldn’t do things like this.

A group of crows is called a “murder”. This a fact that people constantly feel the need to inform be of, as if I didn’t already learn it as a small child. I read books once and a while, you know.

There has to be a better way!

Why does every can opener break in the middle of the night, when I only have soup in the house and I can’t go out to get more food?

 

And now I shall return to my evil deeds!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #21

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Sure, posting my favourite old tweets is stupid and pointless, but I’m bored, so whatever.

I DON’T KNOW HOW ECONOMICS WORKS!

I just can’t resist weird beverages.

It’s true. When mixed with orange pop, cucumber vodka tastes like a madarin salad.

Did you know that it’s actually impossible to create a Tumblr theme that’s 100% valid html? Seriously, just the Like button itself is full of errors.

…what?

It’s the world’s most important subject.

My ancestors belonged to a proud warrior race.

And I’m not just saying that because I can’t whistle properly.

I’m a regular ole mixologist and junk.

Jugs take up so much room in the garbage. I hate them so much.

 

 

I may see you again. I may not. Who knows in these dark days?

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #20

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My tweets are inane? Your butt is inane.

Maybe it belongs to the tree. It’s the tree’s house. The tree has to invite the vampire in.

A-BOAT

Preferably teenagers 16 or over, so I don’t get in trouble.

The dog is into hair metal.

Digital cameras are racist against me.

It’s the “Do Your Homework and Stay in School” challenge!

I have no idea what this was about. If you know what this was about, please contact me.

Just drink out of a normal glass. It doesn’t have to be a “space” glass.

I am not a morning person.

Yep. That’s pretty much what I do all day.

 

 

I must away! So long! Farewell!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #19

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This is the form that my boredom takes.

It’s revenge for having The Girl from Ipanema stuck in my head for 10 years.

Nothing is improved through the addition of goo.

This “scary logos” thing can’t possibly be real, can it? It just seems so stupid.

Icky, giant guinea pigs.

Beer has very important nutrients in it.

This probably isn’t true, but I’m not looking up all the names of all the different storms.

I almost died.

I live like a frat boy.

Tourists are the worst.

 

 

I go do other things now.