Twitter

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #12

Author: Laurel Green Date: September 8th, 2015 Time: 9:10 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Jeff Goldblum, Jokes, Social media, Twitter Comments: 0

Twitter.

I just spent several hours trimming 6.5kb off of a style sheet.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 14, 2013

Making my website load that itty-bitty fraction of a second faster was well worth the trouble.

You're either a princess or a witch.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 15, 2013

Or sometimes you’re a fairy, I guess.

One of these days, I'm gong to give names to the half-billion text documents on my desktop. One of these days…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 17, 2013

New Text Document has about a thousand identical twin brothers.

There's nothing that says that once you've sold your soul that you can't one day buy it back.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 21, 2013

The Devil runs a pawnshop.

Ugh. Jeff Goldblum is such a weirdo.
WHY WON'T HE MARRY ME!?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 29, 2013

I don’t have an unhealthy obsession with Jeff Goldblum. Obsessing over Jeff Goldblum is the healthiest thing that a human can do.

When your back is against the wall and things seem their darkest, just remember: there are still delicious sandwiches in this world.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 1, 2013

The Darkest Timeline has no sandwiches.

When you've got "The Girl from Ipanema" perpetually stuck in your head, is it a curse from a leprechaun or a voodoo priestess?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 3, 2013

Seriously, it’s stuck in my head at this very moment.

I'm going to become a superhero named "The Scowl". I will have a giant red S on my cowl.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 7, 2013

Wow. It’s like a visual pun or something.

I wish to cause grievous bodily harm to the person that invented window wells.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 11, 2013

Window wells: because you like to watch as your basement gets flooded.

What's something that I can make for breakfast that I can put ketchup on?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 13, 2013

The answer is: eggs.

ALL FOR NOW.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #11

Author: Laurel Green Date: August 11th, 2015 Time: 11:25 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Funny, Jokes, Social media, Twitter, Writing Comments: 0

Twit to the twat. Tweeter to the twoot.

He's my Tony Danza, a Danza for money, do what I boss him to do…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 24, 2013

All I remember about Who’s the Boss is that it is a thing that existed.

By day I volunteer my time at the youth centre and by night I play in a sweet new wave group.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 28, 2013

And the rich kids are always trying to ruin our fun.

I told Jesus an off-colour joke and he was unamused. I was all like "Hey, I'm just trying to get a RISE out of you!"
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 29, 2013

Is this funny? I don’t understand religion.

April Fool's! I've actually just been an ambulatory sammich this whole time!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 1, 2013

I’m always full of cold cuts, in any case.

I'm going to learn to play guitar on a double guitar. My theory is if I can play a double guitar good, I'll play a single guitar great.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 2, 2013

The only instrument that I know how to play is the clarinet… badly.

The love that speaks its name and only its name, all the time, like it's done sort of Pokémon or something.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 3, 2013

MR. MIME

Well, it took nine years of intense practice, but I can now finally play the hambone.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 9, 2013

Next, I’m going to learn the mouth trumpet.

Oh no! I've pulled my hamstring! My illustrious career as a hamboner has ended just as it began!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 10, 2013

I need a bacon infusion.

You. You know who you are.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 12, 2013

Well. You do.

Are those astronaut pants? Because your butt looks like it's atrophied from being in a zero G environment.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 13, 2013

Do they have pancakes in space?

GRAGH! ARGH! GRRRRRRR!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #9

Author: Laurel Green Date: June 2nd, 2015 Time: 11:36 AM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Jokes, Social media, Social Networking, Stupid, Twitter Comments: 0

Yay! Stupid Twitter now doesn’t show all tweets when you d an advance search. Gee, I really love it when algorithms decide what I want to see for me.

Bleh. Back to the “scroll down for forever” method of finding old tweets, then.

The pope is out of mana?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 11, 2013

See, this joke works on two levels: mana is your magical energy in a video game and it’s also the name of the special food that God gave the Israelites to sustain them on their journey.

I'm upset that Escape From Planet Earth isn't a Kurt Russell movie.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 12, 2013

It’s the only place he hasn’t escaped from yet.

I think I just inhaled a moth. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO!?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 19, 2013

Things need to stop invading my orifices.

Twerking hard or hardly twerking?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 19, 2013

Remember when twerking was a thing?

Longshoremen and shortshoremen, high seas and low seas, there's no middling on this boat.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 20, 2013

Nautical jokes. You inlanders just wouldn’t understand…

One of the benefits of being a nerd: having never really participated in sports, unlike a lot of people, *my* knees work perfectly.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 20, 2013

Ha! Take that, you stupid jocks!

Satan give me strength.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 20, 2013

The Devil worships me.

I didn't choose the thug life. The thug life chose the prince and I'm a pauper. We switched lives.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 21, 2013

Mark Twain is now rolling in his grave.

What would happen if I put Baconnaise on these Bacon Dippers?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 21, 2013

I’m always trying to collapse the universe.

I'm starting a gang. We're going to pour whitewash down the pants of this whole stinking town.
Chowderheads need not apply.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 22, 2013

In care you youngins don’t know, this is referring to The Three Stooges.

Well, that’s does it for today. Follow my Twitter, or don’t. Whatever.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #8

Author: Laurel Green Date: April 21st, 2015 Time: 10:18 PM Modified: 2015-06-02T09:50:33-04:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Jokes, nonsense, Social media, Twitter, Web 2.0 Comments: 0

It’s some old tweets with a new attitude.

Nobody is allowed to wear those stupid year glasses until 2020 and then not again until 2030. You need two zeros for your eyes, buttheads.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 31, 2012

Actually, maybe don’t wear numbers on your face at all, jackass.

Maybe these people in this depression medication commercial wouldn't be so depressed if they stopped wearing those giant grey sweatsuits.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 7, 2013

They should also comb their hair and stop sitting forlornly on the stairs with their hand on their forehead.

What do they do when a kid pees in the ball pit?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 8, 2013

I always told little kids that there were the skeletons of children who got trapped in the ball pit at the bottom of the pit.

Do they make houses that are entirely stainless steel on the inside? That's where I want to live.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 12, 2013

Seriously, my dream house is one that I can just take a high-pressure steam cleaner to when I want to clean it.

I say that all pages should be forced to get pageboy haircuts.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 14, 2013

It would certainly make the House of Commons much more fun to watch.

Perfect temperature. Perfect silence. Perfect sleepiness. It's time now for a daydream at night.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 17, 2013

I shouldn’t try to be philosophical.

Crud. I've broken my Narsil. Jeeze. There are shards everywhere. Who am going to get to reforge this mess at this hour?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 21, 2013

It’s The Lord of the Rings joke.

Stop making sense. Start making sandwiches.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 25, 2013

I shouldn’t try to make jokes about The Talking Heads when I’m hungry.

Wait… The first ingredient of Twizzlers is flour. Does that mean that Twizzlers are technically pasta?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 3, 2013

Don’t eat Twizzlers. They’re full of crap.

Dentist with a fauxhawk.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 9, 2013

Well, anybody with a fauxhawk, really. It’s just unprofessional not to shave the sides.

That was fun. I don’t remember writing any of these.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday – Independence Day

Author: Laurel Green Date: July 15th, 2014 Time: 2:48 AM Modified: 2014-12-16T15:01:23-05:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Bill Paxton, Bill Pullman, extraterrestrial, Jeff Goldblum, Movies, Randy Quaid, Robert Loggia, Social media, Twitter, Will Smith Comments: 0

On July 4th, I got very mad at the movie Independence Day and tweeted about it.

And now for to benefit the Americastan, I will live blog #IndependenceDay the movie.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

The moon doesn't have an atmosphere! #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Yay! Robert Loggia! #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton? Who knows? Who cares! #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Ha! Fruitopia vending machine. #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Oh, Randy Quaid, you're too good for this. #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

It's good to know, that in the event of an alien invasion, that the strippers will still come into work. #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

They're using our own satellites against us! What if we didn't have any satellites? They'd be helpless! #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Still some of the best goddamn explosions ever put to screen though. #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Is this the only movie where a dog outruns an explosion? #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Good thing the spaceships had to be low enough that our fighter planes could reach them for some reason. #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

JIMMY NOOOOOOOOO! #INDEPENDENCEDAY
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Will Smith clearly says "Welcome to EARTH!" you racist assholes.#IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Bill Paxton doesn't know about Area 51, but Will Smith does? #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Cold… Virus… Computer virus… #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

"Shitter was full!" #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

It's amazing that the tiny little ship has an artificial gravity generator on it. #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

We know how to beat them. Just shove Randy Quaid inside them and it poisons them or something. #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

LAUGHING SKULL VIRUS #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

"Didn't I promise you fireworks?" The "fireworks" are burning extraterrestrial corpses, kid. #IndependenceDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

Yeah, so that was pretty pointless.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #6

Author: Laurel Green Date: July 23rd, 2013 Time: 11:07 PM Modified: 2014-12-16T15:02:39-05:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: balls, Canada, Online Communities, plastic surgery, professional poker player, snake oil, Social Networking, Twitter, wiarton willie Comments: 0

BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. TWITTER. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.

They told me not to try it at home, so I tried it at work.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 13, 2011

There’s always a loophole.

People say, "Curiosity killed the cat." But, if that were true, wouldn't the "curious" trait have been bred out of cats by now?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 13, 2011

Ergo, curiosity is a good thing for cats to have.

What do they do if a kid pees in the ball pit?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 15, 2011

Seriously, do they have to take all the balls out and hose everything down? Or, do they just let the pee settle to the bottom of the pit and hope that everything dries off eventually?

Should professional poker players be allowed to use Botox?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 6, 2011

Jennifer Tilly is a poker player and I’m pretty sure that she’s been Botoxed to Hell and back. Her face is frozen, so she doesn’t have to make any effort to maintain a poker face. Why isn’t Botox considered a performance enhancing drug in poker? Also, you shouldn’t be allowed to get plastic surgery on your face and be a professional poker player.

Dividing by zero is not nearly as bad as dividing by negative zero.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 12, 2011

Heh. Math jokes.

I don't understand moisturizer for normal skin. If your skin is already normal, what do you need a moisturizer for? Do you want damp skin?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 16, 2012

If you want your skin to look nice into your old age, just quit futzing around with it so much.

They need to make it illegal to remove the kitchen scissors from the kitchen.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 19, 2012

I have freezies that need opening consarnit!

It's not even the real Wiarton Willie. IT'S A FAKE WILLIE!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2012

Seriously, Canada had a conspiracy where our weather predicting groundhog, Wiarton Willie, was replaced with an impostor. They call the new groundhog “Wee Willie”. Canada is fun.

I wonder what the properties of literal snake oil are? I bet it's good to cook with or something. All this delicious snake oil is wasted.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 25, 2012

I bet snake oil is more effective than homeopathy.

My morose parrot only knows the word "why".
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 7, 2012

Heh. Depressed animal jokes.

BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. NEXT WEEK. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.

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