THOSE ARE MY SHOES GIVE THEM BACK YOU ARE A DOG THEY DONT EVEN FIT

Categories: Personal, Regular Nonsense Tags: , , , , Comments: 0

My dog thinks he’s people. Like, really thinks he’s people.

Yesterday, he waltzed into the living room and complained about how hipsters are ruining everything. This is improper behaviour for a dog. Perhaps I have trained him badly.

He only eats kale and quinoa now. He’s on a paleo diet or something. Won’t even look at his kibble. Ever seen a dog scoff at something? I think that it’s him that’s really the hipster. Hipster dogster.

He owns an investment property on the west coast and he wants to purchase a small bungalow to rent out. I have tried using the spray bottle on him to deter this behaviour to no avail.

He has a credit card. He gets drunk and buys chew toys on Amazon. If I act more dominant, do you think that he will become more respectful with his purchases? I really want to be a pack leader.

I think that he’s doing drugs. Is he lashing out because he’s not stimulated enough? Maybe I need to take him for walkies more often, so that he can get enough exercise to not need to self-medicate.

He complains that I don’t respect his personal space. Ha! This is coming from the guy who will sit right next to my feet and lick his balls for an hour. Lousy hypocritical dog.

He says that he wants to take a year off of school to backpack around Europe and find himself. Duder can’t even find his own tail.

I Ate Half a Cake

Category: Regular Nonsense Tags: , , , , Comments: 0

Yeah, so, I ate half a cake today… And I kinda want to eat the remaining half.

I’m pretty sure that cake is actually good for you. We’ve all been deceived by BIG VEGGIE into believing that cake is bad for you.

I’ll have you know that humans were eating cakes for centuries before they were eating vegetables, and we all know that the ancient ways are he best. In fact, neanderthals made cakes out of an ancient grain long since lost to the annals of time and that’s what gave them their hardy delicious beards. They were the hairiest and hardiest of men. We should all turn into neanderthals again. It would be great.

Imagine it: roaming the plains, stark raving naked, covered in beards and free as a crazy rabbit or something.

That’s how man is supposed to live.

You can’t be a neanderthal with an iPad. Don’t even try. You’ll fail. You’ll fail like your mother failed at raising you. That’s the worst kind of failure.

Your mom would make a better neanderthal than you. Your mom has a better beard than you. You should have listened to her when you were a kid.

Your mom never baked you a cake for your birthday, though. Maybe that’s where the trouble started. The trouble always starts when you are a child. If only we cold skip childhood, then everything would be hunky dory.

Sometimes, I use the phrases of an 85-year-old. The stole the words from him when he was spewing his dying breath. It’s easy to steal things from dying people.

When I’m on my death bed, someone will probably steal my cake.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #1

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I was going through my Twitter archive, which meant scrolling down for, like, half an hour, because Twitter timelines can only be viewed in infinite scroll mode and not proper paginated archives like any non-crazy person would like. (I’m thinking of writing an article about how much I hate infinite scroll, one day.)

So, anyway, if I went through all that trouble scrolling, you’re going to have to relive some of my favourite old tweets with me.

This is my first ever tweet! I like Swedish Chef!

I think I was listening to The John Tesh Radio Show, and he did a a public service announcement about the dangers of huffing. If you’re a kid and you’re listening to The John Tesh Radio Show, I think that huffing freon is the least of your worries.

Sometimes, I wonder if Alexander Dumas even knew what a “musketeer” really was. Seriously, why were the three musketeers always using swords? It’s their job to use guns!

Yeah, that’s right, I say “pop” instead of “soda”.

They used to kill-off characters way more often in shows when I was a kid. I’d like to see them kill-off someone in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, or SheZow, or whatever all these weirdo kids are watching these days. What in the world is a “Bakugan” anyway? I hate you.

Seriously, The Sims, no virtual baby of mine should drink formula.

In The Sims Medieval, breastfeeding was the only option, BUT they blurred it out like it was offensive or something, bleh. I think they should have included the option for the noble sims to use a wet nurse.

Is it a rule that, when you work your way up to captain, that you’ve earned the right to look cooler than everyone else?

This is probably me getting angry at some saying that synthetic things are full of “toxins”. Eat some nightshade why don’t you and then extoll the virtues of how free of “toxins” the natural world is.

Yeah, do hand models ever get plastic surgery to make their hands look younger? At what age do hand models usually get pushed out of the business?

It was standard procedure in our house, that when you bought a new game on floppy disk, that you made back-ups of it. An errant magnetic field could wipe-out your originals, after all.

Well, that’s all for this week’s Twitter Timewarp Tuesday. Join me next week, where we’ll relive more inane things that I’ve posted that nobody cares about.

Weird Stuff on My New Composition Book

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I got two new composition books today and one of them has this written on it in tiny print:

COGNITIVE-BEHAVIORAL INTERVENTIONS HAVE ALSO BEEN SHOWN TO HAVE A

ACHIEVEMENT. INTERVENTIONS SUCH AS SELF-INSTRUCTIONAL

IN LOOKING AT PROBANDS OF PARENTS, BIEDERMAN ET AL. (1993) ALSO
CONCLUDE ADHD AND LEARNING DISABILITIES ARE INDEPENDENT, AND
RATHER DUE TO RANDOM MATING, THEREFORE NOT ETIOLOGICALLY
DEPENDENT. OTHER RESEARCHERS CLAIM THE INTELLECTUAL DEFICIT LIES
IN PHYSIOLOGICAL ANOMALIES. MORE SPECIFICALLY, IMBALANCE IN THE

IN LOOKING AT PROBANDS OF PARENTS, BIEDERMAN ET AL. (1993) ALSO
CONCLUDE ADHD AND LEARNING DISABILITIES ARE INDEPENDENT, AND

IN LOOKING AT PROBANDS OF PARENTS, BIEDERMAN ET AL. (1993) ALSO
CONCLUDE ADHD AND LEARNING DISABILITIES ARE INDEPENDENT, AND

So, yeah, my new notebook has bits of a paper on learning disabilities hidden in the art. That’s… special.