Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #11

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Twit to the twat. Tweeter to the twoot.

All I remember about Who’s the Boss is that it is a thing that existed.

And the rich kids are always trying to ruin our fun.

Is this funny? I don’t understand religion.

I’m always full of cold cuts, in any case.

The only instrument that I know how to play is the clarinet… badly.

MR. MIME

Next, I’m going to learn the mouth trumpet.

I need a bacon infusion.

Well. You do.

Do they have pancakes in space?

GRAGH! ARGH! GRRRRRRR!

I *TECHNICALLY* Completed NaBloPoMo 2014

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Well, another NaBloPoMo has come and gone. I managed to do a post every day this month, so I win NaBloPoMo this year, or something. Sure, most of what I posted was complete and utter nonsense, but, whatever, there’s no reason you have to read it, so bleh.

Here are all my NaBloPoMo posts from this year:

  1. NaBloPoMo 2014
  2. Conversations With My Dog
  3. This Energy Drink is Doing Nothing for Me
  4. “Eric Conveys an Emotion” is Going to Update! Just You Wait and See!
  5. 20 Litres and a Pound of Butter up a Hill
  6. The One Rule is to Write
  7. Things That You Can Place in a Small Box
  8. This Christmas, Get Me What I Really Want
  9. Half of My Head is Full of Goo
  10. My Ear is Still Being Weird
  11. Things That You Can Put in a Soup
  12. I Ate Half a Cake
  13. Winter Hope
  14. THOSE ARE MY SHOES GIVE THEM BACK YOU ARE A DOG THEY DONT EVEN FIT
  15. We’re Doing Good
  16. Winter Solstice Foods That I Hate
  17. People Keep Dropping Off Sprockets at My House
  18. The Donair Egg Rolls Weren’t Very Good
  19. Things That Should Exist
  20. Cooking Fails
  21. I Made a Really Tasty Chicken Today
  22. Things They Should Make Movies About
  23. Gnomes I Have Met
  24. Why I Don’t Wanna Write
  25. Real Donairs are Better than Frozen Ones
  26. Things You Don’t See on Fire Much
  27. May You All Fight Valiantly on Black Friday
  28. Fun Things to Do On a Sunny Day
  29. The World Famous Eric J.
  30. The Squirrels are About to Overthrow their Oppressors

Did I learn anything this year? No. I have learned absolutely nothing. I think that I may have even forgotten some things that I used to know.

Why I Don’t Wanna Write

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  • I’m Lazy
  • Y’all Ain’t Paying Me Anything
  • They’re Watching Me
  • My Fingers Are Broken
  • I’ve Outsourced My Writing to India
  • Everything that Can be Said has Been Said
  • I Only Know Unspeakable Words
  • Packets Keep Being Lost
  • In Too Busy Saving the world
  • The World is About to End
  • Writing is Dead
  • There are Gremlins in the Machine
  • I Can’t Find a Pen
  • Shia LaBeouf Keeps Plagiarising Me
  • All Week be Destroyed by the Passage of Time
  • Why Write when I Can Dance?
  • I’m Too Busy Eating
  • You Don’t Have to Write a Script Before You Start Shooting the Film Nowadays
  • I’ve Decided to Start Communicating Via Telepathy
  • Only the Squirrels Really Understand Me
  • You can Already Read My Mind
  • My Ghostwriter has been Ressurected
  • Nobody has an Attention Span Anymore

“Eric Conveys an Emotion” is Going to Update! Just You Wait and See!

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Here’s a small confession of mine: I check on several long-dead websites, which I enjoyed way back when, with alarming frequency, even though I’m almost entirely sure that they will never update ever again.

The problem is that many people don’t seem to leave goodbye posts. It’s just business as usual, until things stop abruptly. There’s so many webcomics, that I used to follow that just stopped in the middle of a storyline without explanation. I’m pretty sure that these people didn’t die suddenly, but I guess in a way part of them did. One day they just stopped, writing, drawing, singing etc. and never started up again.

Or maybe they just got tired of sharing their talents with the internet. I can understand that. The internet is stupid.

Maybe they found a more productive use of their time.

In any case, there’s always this hope inside me. They didn’t really give up. They’re just in hibernation. They’re lying in wait. They’ll be back and they’ll be better. Otherwise, why would they keep paying for their domain names and hosting? Huh? I’ll keep checking. One day my faith will be rewarded with more of what I used to enjoy. I’m greedy, I guess.

The internet is littered with the corpses of a billion dead projects and once in a while I like to prod them with a stick to see if they twitch. (Ick.)

Anyway, go bug Emotion Eric and tell him his dead website is causing me existential malaise.

I think that I’m going to rewrite this later. I can’t really get my thoughts straight on this subject at the moment. Also, I’m missing a bunch of commas.

NaBloPoMo 2014

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texts that reads "NaBloPoMo 2014"

I haven’t participated in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month), an event every November where you post every day for the entire month, in a few years. I near-completely lost interest in NaBloPoMo when it was taken over by BlogHer, a blogging platform for women (duh), and not just because the transition to BlogHer scared most of the men off, but because BlogHer is a cruddy, cruddy website.

Here, have some reasons why I hate BlogHer:

  • First and foremost, BlogHer is exploitative. Most of the posts on the website are written by unpaid community members, while the website is riddled with ads. Community members provide them with content for free, which brings them pageviews and ad impressions, and in return they get, I don’t know, a sense of community or something? You can join a community on BlogSpot or Tumblr and  both of those services allow you to put your own ads on your blog, so that you can get paid for your writing.
  • BlogHer puts outbound links in frames, placing their branding and ads on unaffiliated websites without their consent. This is just plain rude and frames went out of style in the 90s anyway.
  • The current BlogHer website features a tessellated layout and infinite scroll. I’ll probably do a long rant on why I hate these two design trends at a future date, but basically, they screw up navigation and reading comprehension.
  • Their post editor sucks badly.
  • Their name is a stupid pun.

Now, don’t construe this as me being against women having their own safe space for expressing their opinions. I just think that it’s best that such a place doesn’t exploit their talents for monetary gain. When you’re a writer, never work for exposure, or on spec.

So, yeah, this is probably the last you’ll hear about BlogHer from me, because I’m taking NaBloPoMo back from its massive corporate interests for the little guy, or something, I don’t know.

Anyhoo, join me every day this month for more inane rambling.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #1

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I was going through my Twitter archive, which meant scrolling down for, like, half an hour, because Twitter timelines can only be viewed in infinite scroll mode and not proper paginated archives like any non-crazy person would like. (I’m thinking of writing an article about how much I hate infinite scroll, one day.)

So, anyway, if I went through all that trouble scrolling, you’re going to have to relive some of my favourite old tweets with me.

This is my first ever tweet! I like Swedish Chef!

I think I was listening to The John Tesh Radio Show, and he did a a public service announcement about the dangers of huffing. If you’re a kid and you’re listening to The John Tesh Radio Show, I think that huffing freon is the least of your worries.

Sometimes, I wonder if Alexander Dumas even knew what a “musketeer” really was. Seriously, why were the three musketeers always using swords? It’s their job to use guns!

Yeah, that’s right, I say “pop” instead of “soda”.

They used to kill-off characters way more often in shows when I was a kid. I’d like to see them kill-off someone in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, or SheZow, or whatever all these weirdo kids are watching these days. What in the world is a “Bakugan” anyway? I hate you.

Seriously, The Sims, no virtual baby of mine should drink formula.

In The Sims Medieval, breastfeeding was the only option, BUT they blurred it out like it was offensive or something, bleh. I think they should have included the option for the noble sims to use a wet nurse.

Is it a rule that, when you work your way up to captain, that you’ve earned the right to look cooler than everyone else?

This is probably me getting angry at some saying that synthetic things are full of “toxins”. Eat some nightshade why don’t you and then extoll the virtues of how free of “toxins” the natural world is.

Yeah, do hand models ever get plastic surgery to make their hands look younger? At what age do hand models usually get pushed out of the business?

It was standard procedure in our house, that when you bought a new game on floppy disk, that you made back-ups of it. An errant magnetic field could wipe-out your originals, after all.

Well, that’s all for this week’s Twitter Timewarp Tuesday. Join me next week, where we’ll relive more inane things that I’ve posted that nobody cares about.