If they can put fruit into a burrito, why can't they put meat in a Pop-Tart? #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 4, 2014
Yeah, Science, get on it already.
When I was a little kid, I thought Jesus was a magical flying baby, who granted wishes and then got crucified. #GoodFriday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 19, 2014
Now, he’s my least favourite sun god.
And so it came to pass, that on the fourth day, the CLOSED sign was rolled back to reveal the store had been fully restocked. #LiquorMonday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 21, 2014
Truly, it was the holiest of days.
Was walking the dog last night, when I saw what I thought was a little lost pomeranian, but then it climbed a tree so I didn't mess with it.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 6, 2014
I don’t mess with anything that can pounce on me from above.
Wookie suits are made of human hair? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! #StarWars
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 6, 2014
Urgh. I was just imagining what that would smell like.
Whoever decided that you shouldn't be able to stick magnets to fridge doors anymore is the worst human.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 9, 2014
Where am I supposed to put my crayon drawings?
Anybody remember that Feelin Alright PSA that made binge drinking look totally sweet? I can't find it anywhere on the interbutts.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 12, 2014
I have such nostalgia for commercial breaks.
In ancient times, was being a jerk and not letting people cross a bridge, unless they solved a riddle, an actual job? #history
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 23, 2014
I want to go back in time and be the guy who leaves caches of enchanted weapons in random places.
I'm allergic to grass. I'm physiologically a nerd.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 24, 2014
You should see how much my face swells up when I mow the lawn.
Why doesn't minesweeper have a no 50/50 mode?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 30, 2014
I will sit there with my indecisiveness until the time reads “999”.
BYE!