Twit to the twat. Tweeter to the twoot.
He's my Tony Danza, a Danza for money, do what I boss him to do…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 24, 2013
All I remember about Who’s the Boss is that it is a thing that existed.
By day I volunteer my time at the youth centre and by night I play in a sweet new wave group.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 28, 2013
And the rich kids are always trying to ruin our fun.
I told Jesus an off-colour joke and he was unamused. I was all like "Hey, I'm just trying to get a RISE out of you!"
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 29, 2013
Is this funny? I don’t understand religion.
April Fool's! I've actually just been an ambulatory sammich this whole time!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 1, 2013
I’m always full of cold cuts, in any case.
I'm going to learn to play guitar on a double guitar. My theory is if I can play a double guitar good, I'll play a single guitar great.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 2, 2013
The only instrument that I know how to play is the clarinet… badly.
The love that speaks its name and only its name, all the time, like it's done sort of Pokémon or something.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 3, 2013
MR. MIME
Well, it took nine years of intense practice, but I can now finally play the hambone.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 9, 2013
Next, I’m going to learn the mouth trumpet.
Oh no! I've pulled my hamstring! My illustrious career as a hamboner has ended just as it began!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 10, 2013
I need a bacon infusion.
You. You know who you are.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 12, 2013
Well. You do.
Are those astronaut pants? Because your butt looks like it's atrophied from being in a zero G environment.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 13, 2013
Do they have pancakes in space?
GRAGH! ARGH! GRRRRRRR!