Backing up my tweets because of my paranoia about losing things forever.
Poor dog, using the slow cooker is like torture to him. 8 hours of delicious roast smell wafting through the house.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 26, 2013
It’s really very heartbreaking to watch him search all over the house for beef for hours.
Hey Americans, one word: turduckenstrich.
Make it happen.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 27, 2013
Americans, always shoving things up other things’ arses.
I only have exactly one curve. I'm only half real. I'm trapped between worlds!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 29, 2013
I have no idea what I meant by this.
Argh. The Twelve Days of Christmas start AFTER Christmas Day. AFTER!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 17, 2013
Something. Something. The Epiphany.
They need to make tiny turkeys for single people. Also, for spoiling the cat.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 22, 2013
And don’t tell me to get a chicken, because turkey tastes way better than chicken.
Why is the grocery store out of ketchup? What are people eating on Christmas that requires ketchup?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 23, 2013
I was buying groceries for the whole week, not just Christmas, so I don’t count here.
Merry {INSERT PAGAN WINTER SOLSTICE CELEBRATION HERE} and {INSERT SNARKY COMMENT HERE}!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 25, 2013
Ask me about my views on religion.
Jim Varney could have been great. He was never given a chance. Jim Varney could have been great.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 27, 2013
Greatest actor ever. I will fight you.
They need to invent bed technology that can replicate the feeling of lying in a sunbeam.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 2, 2014
I’m basically a giant, lazy cat.
Pale, gangly men seem to be really in right now. Why not pale, gangly women? I'd be set for life!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 6, 2014
Stop trying to convince me that Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston are super sexy. They look like they need to be spoonfed some soup.
All for now. Perhaps, all for ever.