Postin’ muh twitz hur, because I donnae like Twitter’s infinite scroll.
I'm in your room touching all your stuff.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 12, 2014
Really, you can’t leave me alone at all.
Ah, the heavenly days when the brown sugar is fresh and supple, before it becomes an invulnerable adamantine brick.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 14, 2014
I need to get me some vacuum-sealed containers.
1 star – There was too much on my hands >:(
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 18, 2014
This is funnier without context.
Does an ampersand count as a word?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 20, 2014
And do an percent sign or a dollar sign?
I was walking to the store in a full-on blizzard and some lady yelled at me because I wouldn't stop and look at what her kid was doing.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 29, 2014
This was a really bizarre event. It was during the Polar Vortex and some little brat shouted something at me, which I didn’t hear because I was bundled-up in 17 layers. The next thing I know, his mom is insanely angry at me because I wouldn’t stop and watch what her little rugrat was doing. And to top it all off, the stupid kid was playing right in the middle of the street. There weren’t any cars because of all the snow, but it was kinda likely that a plow might round the corner and smush the kid.
Hand wash? Lay flat to dry? Why, this cotton tank top has delusions of grandeur!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 1, 2014
Everything goes in the washer and dryer. EVERYTHING.
They make breakfast burritos, but do they make breakfast tacos?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 1, 2014
I am not a morning person. Invent for me more lazy morning foods.
ARE YOU FOOTBALL FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2014
FOOTBALL!
Someone should come over to my house and pick all the carrots out of my bag of mixed vegetables.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2014
I am a giant child.
I don't trust Fake Wiarton Willie. #GroundhogDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2014
Remember that time Wiarton Willie died and they replaced him with an imposter. Canadian conspiracies are silly.
THAZ ALL!