Hot Pie is going to be the last person left alive and take the iron throne by default. #GameofThrones
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 15, 2015
Yes, we get it, GRRM. The Middle Ages sucked and everyone died.
I don’t even know why I watch Game of Thrones anymore. It’s stupid and sleazy and I hate it… Buuuuut, I ‘ve invested so much time into it already, I guess I have to see it through to the end.
A blackfly bit me on the throat. This is the worst thing that has ever happened. #HyperboleBlort
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 22, 2015
Has anyone ever gone into anaphylactic shock from a blackfly bite? I get a swollen bump about the size of a small apple every time a blackfly bites me. It would really suck if a teeny tiny bug caused me to die.
Hey, drink an entire 2-4, smoke an entire carton and then hover over me in the grocery line, why don’t ya?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 4, 2015
It was in the middle of the day, too. Why can’t drunk, gross guys ever tell when they’re standing too close to people?
You know spiders I like you but if you’re going to insist on crawling at my face first thing in the morning, we’re gonna have problems.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 9, 2015
One time, I found a spider egg sac in one of my bras. I like spiders. Why do they keep trying to feast upon me?
I’m once, twice, three meats a pizza. #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 27, 2015
Does it actually count as a three meat pizza when all the meats are technically pork?
Remember that episode where Picard said “merde”? #TNG
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 28, 2015
Well, you see, what happened was that England defeated France in the Eugenics Wars. That’s why Picard speaks with an English accent.
Do I really have to comply with this EU cookie consent bullshit? How can they have jurisdiction over me? #WebDesign
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 30, 2015
I still don’t have one of those stupid cookie warnings on any of my websites. If a person doesn’t know that pretty much every website uses cookies, then they deserve whatever bad thing happens to them… which will be nothing.
All my favourite artists are alcoholics who dropped out of high school. Internet please advise. #CakeVodka
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 1, 2015
Schooling can teach you how to be smart, but it can’t teach you how to be a smartass.
I’m such an outlier on the graph, that a mathematician would call me “statistically negligible”. #CakeVodka
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 1, 2015
Yeah, Drunk Laurel, yer REEAALLL special and junk.
My local store seems to be discontinuing weird flavoured vodka. They’re putting it on clearance and not restocking. :’(
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 18, 2015
I’ve grown as a person since this and no longer enjoy artificially flavoured liquors. I’m thinking of becoming one of those assholes with five different bottles of bitters. I’m thinking of saying “mouth feel” a lot.
I’m going to commit certain deeds now. See you later.