I will never, ever, ever forgive Rogers for killing Speakers’ Corner.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 18, 2015
Speakers’ Corner was the best, but I guess we have YouTube now and don’t need it anymore.
Remember the Devil’s Advocates? Whatever happened to those guys? Remember when one of them ran for mayor?
The Rogers Centre is always going to be the SkyDome to me.
What are sinuses even for? How can having a face full of goo be useful? #Blargh
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 26, 2015
It’s all a part of God’s plan, Laurel. His design is PERFECT!
They don’t take their shirts off enough on #Arrow. They should just have them off the entire time.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 31, 2015
I would watch a show that was just entirely an hour of manbutt every week. I would be enthralled.
I think that punchable face is worse than bitch face.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 1, 2015
I have Resting Bitch Face™, because I don’t smile maniacally like an idiot constantly.
Some girl needs to come over and learn me how to matte lipstick. Stuff always pools in my creases. #LadyProblems
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 4, 2015
I theoretically enjoy makeup, but in practice, I only manage to make myself look like an asshole clown.
Lousy #CoverGirl hyped the Hell out of their #StarWars #BeautyForce makeup, but you can’t seem to actually buy it anywhere. #ForceFriday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 4, 2015
I hate Star Wars, but I love weird lipsticks.
Are Rockets in stock yet? I have a hankering for some tangy chalk. #HalloweenBlort
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 13, 2015
Rockets are called Smarties in the US and Smarties don’t exist in the US at all. The Canadian version of a candy is always the superior one.
Regular pop after months of diet is like mainlining heroin. #OffTheWagon
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 15, 2015
I have an Aspartame addiction. THE HIPPIES WERE RIGHT ABOUT ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS!
Always drink things with a devil on the bottle. Then you can claim the devil made you do it. #beelzebeer
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 16, 2015
Honestly, the Devil seems like a pretty okay dude. Ever read the Bible? The Devil always gives people a choice whether to the listen to him, without any threat of consequence. It’s God who threatens people. Pillar of salt and whatnot.
Is there anything more depressing than the last hotdog bun breaking in half?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 16, 2015
I always embarrass myself at dinner. Invite me somewhere really fancy, if you want to see me spill things on my boobs.
Is there a greater joy in life than a bra that fits perfectly? #BEWBS
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 18, 2015
For serious, lingerie industry, get your shit together. Sizing isn’t even consistent within a single brand.
*Laurel slinks away, unoticed*