Laurel, this is pointless. Why don’t you just stop?
Because TWOOT.
Do you think that Plato and Socrates ever made out? #Philosophy
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 5, 2015
Let’s face it: Socrates was banging all of his students.
Gotta love the weirdos who come around and steal my garbage before the garbage men come. #GarbageBlort
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 6, 2015
They would come by in a pickup truck and just swipe everyone’s bags of garbage. It was creepy. My garbage was pretty entirely food packaging and kleenexes, so joke’s on them.
NIAGARA FALLS! #NIAGARAFALLS
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 8, 2015
SLOOOOOWWLY I TURNED…
Well, I just learned something new: Betty Boop is supposed to be only 16 years old. That’s special. #BoopBlort
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 9, 2015
All the Disney Princesses are teenagers as well. What’s with so many animators being ephebophiles and/or zoophiles? I’m looking at you, anime.
I know I’ve seen a lot of episodes of Alf, but I couldn’t tell you the plot of a single one. #AlfBlort
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 14, 2015
Remember when Alf had that horrible talk show? Still better than Jimmy Fallon, though.
Dammit, England, quit scaring the rest of the world by having your Mother’s Day so early! >:( #MothersBlort
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 15, 2015
I forgive you for your chocolate with actual chocolate in it. Also those fizzy candies that are really good. You’re alright England.
Doves are the worst bird. #CooBlort
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 20, 2015
A dove is a pigeon with good PR.
An old person needs to explain “Where’s the beef?” to me.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 24, 2015
Remember Battle of the Network Stars? You’re getting old.
Patches improperly sewn on, or worse *pinned* >:( #GirlGuide
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 29, 2015
Really? A denim vest with the patches pinned on? Why do people do this?
I eat bread and potatoes all the time and I’m skinny. CARBS ARE GOOD FOR YOU! #CarbBlort
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 31, 2015
But, yeah, keep doing the all-bacon paleo thing. Any diet that says you can eat all the bacon you want has to be a lie.
*SKREEEEEEEE*