Nobody tweets like me. Nobody.
Feeling icky. Need soup nutrients. Snouptrients.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 5, 2014
This is the type of thing I think is clever when I have a head cold.
Multi-gear unicycles are a thing that exist.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 10, 2014
Just when you think that the world has hit peak hipster…
Hipsters: fixed-gear bicycles and multi-gear unicycles.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 10, 2014
I have fixed-gear rollerblades.
A police car just sidled up to me to check if I was a youngin out to cause trouble. Jokes on them, I'm an oldie out to cause trouble.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 31, 2014
Oh, you don’t like it when people are out late, officer? Well, the dog has to pee when the dog has to pee.
Photos of people trick-or-treating in places like LA where they don't get autumn sure are eerie. #halloween
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 1, 2014
Christmas is even creepier, though. Santa, snowmen and reindeer on a drought-ravaged lawn is just eerie.
I just carried 20 litres of liquid and a pound of butter up a hill. Where's my medal? #crazy
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 6, 2014
You should see my guns.
Looking over some old code of mine and wondering seriously whether I wrote it amidst dissociative state.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 8, 2014
You know Laurel, when most people go crazy, they do something fun like chew someone’s face off. You just do things like stick a div inside a div inside a div inside a div…
Bleh. Somebody blew chunks on the sidewalk right outside the house. #alcoholism
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 7, 2014
And then they did it again on two other separate occasions. So, basically, someone was puking in front of my house on purpose. I heard them once at about 4AM. I considered calling the police, but they would probably be long gone by the time the police showed up and what would you even charge them with?
And since it was winter, it froze and stayed there for weeks. Judging by how pink it was, this person was eating a lot of shrimp.
This is a story you needed to hear.
My mom got me schokoladenkränze mit nonpareille.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 23, 2014
German compound words are fun!
My last words are a fart.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 30, 2014
I’m a lovely human being.
And now to return to my lair!